Like many of you, I arrived home from work last night, flicked my TV to CNN/MSNBC/FOX NEWS/PBS and let the results of 22 primaries and caucuses wash over me like lukewarm pea soup.

My head is still spinning.

Here’s what I learned…

• Obama won the delegate count, won more states by a larger margin and closed the margin in the states he didn’t win…but he’s still not the leader
• Hillary won less states by closer margin, but she won California…so she’s he leader
• But it’s still a “virtual tie”
• Huckabee won the South, Romney won the North and McCain won the East and West…no one is quite sure what this all means, but McCain in the undisputed leader.
• No one on CNN’s election coverage knows how to work that touch-screen thingy without screwing up multiple times.
• Hillary now wants to debate on FOX NEWS, even though all of the candidates originally agreed not to…because she either: 1) wants to show off her stronger debate skills or 2) Obama raised three times as much money as she did over the last month, so she wants to keep her campaign going on the cheap
• John Edwards needs to back SOMEBODY.
• Early voting needs to be done away with. 10% of California’s voters voted for Edwards, a guy who is no longer in the race…coincidentally, Obama lost California by 10%. Odd…
• None of these pundits and analysts have any idea what is really going on. None of them.
• That said, the folks that PBS compiled for their show with Jim Lehrer were the most knowledgeable (read: most likely to tell the truth and acknowledge that they don’t know shit).
• PBS’s analysts also made an alarming number of references to college football when discussing who was winning what states. I’m not sure what to make of this.

In the end, no one on any of the channels seemed to have the slightest idea how to distill the events of Super Tuesday down into a meaningful result. For something that we have spent all month building up to, to not have a result is inexcusable. So I’m going to go out on a limb and call the winner of Super Tuesday.

You go, Eli, sing the shit out of that Bonnie Tyler song.
Eli Manning.

Yes, Eli Manning, the Super Bowl-winning Quarterback of the New York Giants. After his game-winning drive to win the Super Bowl, he’s been on a roll. It seems easy to assume that, given his recent boom in popularity, arm-strength, lineage and impressive karaoke skills (shown above) he will lead our country into a new direction.