Vote Sod in 2008.
By Erik Hagen • Jan 3rd, 2008 • Category: PoliticsIn case you live in a cave somewhere (yet still somehow have broadband Internet access with which to view this website), tonight is the Iowa caucuses, and that means the closing ads are being aired by all of the candidates. Since I’m a giant political nerd, I’m preparing myself for all of the excitement tonight by watching all of the advertisements and getting PUMPED UP. But just in case you’re not nearly as pathetic as I am, I went to the trouble of paraphrasing the message of each ad directly beneath each video. You’re welcome in advance.
Hello. I’m sitting uncomfortably close to the camera to tell you that if you’re looking for a change from eight years of Bush, how about eight more years of Clinton? Vote for Hillary, because it’s totally my turn.
SAND PEOPLE! COMING TO KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! RUDY SMASH! RUDY DESTROY!
For the love of God, would you people please stop talking about my hair all the time.
Teacher! Teacher! Oh, pick me! I’m ever so smart!
Since I haven’t got a chance in hell of winning this thing, here’s a commercial about office furniture. That’s a nice desk, don’t you think? Biden!
I believe this one is best summed up with a Simpsons screencap:
If you thought the Renaissance, the Industrial Revolution, two world wars, the birth of America, the Enlightenment, landing on the moon, splitting the atom, learning to take flight and the invention of the Internet were great, just wait until you see what happens in the next ten years. It’ll put all that other crap to shame!
Brawndo has electrolites. Brawndo will make you wonder why you’ve never crushed a human skull with your bare hands. Brawndo will make you win at exercise. You’ll probably become invisible, which doesn’t even make sense.
That settles that. I’m voting for Brawndo!
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Erik Hagen is comprised of equal parts X and Y chromosomes, snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and a whole lot of water. He was born into this world covered in blood, naked, and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.
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I’m voting Brawndo, too. Although Giuliani’s ad made me hide under my desk, whimpering with helplessness and shame.
But I’m definitely not ashamed of my desire to make love to truck in a parking lot. Not at all.
And it’s Obama comfortably. I’m guessing that Brawndo did the Kucinich thing and had their consituents cast secondary votes for Obama, just because he was seen crushing a human skull with his bare hands.
Obama in ‘08. The Huckabee Mutilator!