I am hoping against hope that today will bring an end to the Never-ending Democratic Primary That Technically Ended Two Months Ago But SHHHHH Nobody Tell That To Hillary Clinton Because She’ll Get Super Pissed. I’m hoping for a definitive ending, but then again, I’m not stupid enough to actually believe it’ll happen, being that it’s really hard to end a fight when the loser refuses to stop fighting. But just in case, I’ve decided to today reminisce on what I’ve taken away from this primary season, namely a bunch of words and phrases that I only became familiar with because of this campaign and that I am desperately hoping that I can completely forget about once all this is over with.

Populist - John Edwards was a populist candidate. Mike Huckabee ran a populist campaign. Barack Obama is a populist. Hillary Clinton is pretending to be a populist. As a matter of fact, at one time or another, I have heard the populist tag used with every single candidate running for President this year with one exception - John McCain. Because he’s not a populist. He’s more of a crankiest.

Thrown Under the Bus - Only in politics can you claim to have run someone over with a bus and it can be seen as being a good thing. Whereas in my real life, if I ever claimed to throw one of my colleagues under a bus, I would be arrested. How is this fair? I just want to know.

Super-delegate - The concept of the super-delegate is a very simple one. Before you vote, convince ten other people you know to vote the same as you, and have them convince ten people each to do the same. Keep branching out until you have about 30,000 people all committed to voting the same way. Now guess what. You still have less voting power than some 22-year-old kid in Wisconsin born into a DNC insider family, and thus, he has just erased the influence of you and your 30,000 friends when he showed up at the voting booth high on shrooms and voted for Mike Gravel because his last name made him giggle. Democracy in action!

Elitism - I’ve actually been familiar with the concept of elitism for a long time now, but what I hadn’t been aware of was that in a race between a 72-year-old white man married to a multi-millionaire beer heiress, a former First Lady who made $105 million in the last seven years and a black first-term Senator who just paid off his student loans, it’s the black guy who’s the elitist. Who knew?

Ron-tards - Actually, I’m not really tired of this term at all, and I think I’ll keep using it now until the day I die.

Gas Tax Holiday - You might not know exactly what John McCain and Hillary Clinton’s Gas Tax Holiday proposal entails, so I’ll explain it to you. If you vote for either John McCain or Hillary Clinton, on the Gas Tax Holiday, you will be given a magical burro that pisses gasoline and craps money. If, however, you vote for Barack Obama, he will come down your chimney and murder your children.

Operation: Chaos - It’s funny how the older, fatter and more impotent Rush Limbaugh gets, the more he turns into some kind of cartoonish supervillian. Now he’s got his legion of millions of Rush-tards (See? It never gets old.) flooding the Democratic primaries to vote for Hillary Clinton in the desperate hope of prolonging the election and maybe inciting riots in Denver at the Democratic National Convention when us angry young folk who voted for Obama take out our furious vengeance on middle-aged white women for stealing our election. Of course, the really funny part is that the only definitive outcome of Operation: Chaos has been making several million Rush Limbaugh listeners not only vote for Hillary Clinton in an election, but brag about it after the fact. So good luck squaring that away with your Republican God on Judgment Day. Have fun frying in Republican Hell for all eternity, kiddies.

Iowa and New Hampshire - My favorite part of primary elections ending is that I can go back to pretending these two states don’t exist.

[Insert Random Demographic Here]-ists - Here’s how it works. If you vote for Barack Obama over Hillary Clinton, it’s not because you think Barack Obama is a better candidate. Actually, it’s because you’re sexist and you hate women because they have menstrual cycles and drive cars poorly. Similarly, if you go for Clinton over Obama, it’s because you’re racist and hate black people and their fondness for fried chicken and talking loudly during movies. And, of course, if you vote for anyone besides John McCain, it’s because you’re ageist and hate all old people and their prune diets and slowly decaying human brains. Stereotyping is awesome!

Finger-gate, Waffle-gate, Pastor-gate, Bitter-gate - Stupidest fucking election ever-gate.

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