This week, the U.S. Congress passed a resolution declaring that Christmas is an important holiday.

No. Seriously.

Here, presented for your reading pleasure, is the text of said resolution in its entirety:

Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world;

Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;

Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;

Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization;

Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its Judeo-Christian roots;

Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ;

Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God’s redemption, mercy, and Grace; and

Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives–

1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world;

2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide;

3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;

4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;

5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and

6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.

I gotta say, this resolution is a fantastic piece of non-binding legislature and not a waste of taxpayer money at all. But I do feel like it doesn’t quite go far enough in its declaring a bunch of bullshit that most people already knew about and didn’t need the government wasting time passing resolutions on. So I’m adding on a few action points of my own.

(7) getting Christmas presents is awesome;

(8) egg nog is even better with alcohol in it;

(9) at Christmas time, Santa Claus is an important historical figure;

(10) Santa Claus could still stand to lose some weight before it causes him health problems in his declining years;

(11) Ebenezer Scrooge is kind of an asshole at first;

(12) the day after Christmas will be the 26th;

(13) returning gifts is not very much fun at all;

(14) fruit cake is nowhere near as delicious as it sounds;

(15) tinsel is gaudy looking and impossible to vacuum up, and besides, sometimes pets will try to eat it and will end up choking on it, so you probably shouldn’t put it on your Christmas tree;

(16) we can hardly stand the wait;

(17) please, Christmas, don’t be late.

Quick, somebody elect me to office!

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