I’ve been in a noticeable funk for the past few weeks and I think that I finally figured out what my problem is; I’m mired in the depths of post-election depression. Think postpartum depression, but without the the baby or the lactating. I even have many of the symptoms of postpartum depression, or PPD. Observe-

Sadness? Check.

Sadness was the first thing to set in after the election was called at 9PM (local time) on election night. Of course, this happened after the elation, excitement and relief. It wasn’t really until the next afternoon that I really started to feel the full effect of the sadness. Watching the Situation Room on CNN didn’t seem to make me as giddy as it did for the past two years. Wolf Blitzer had lost a bit of his sheen, as well as his vim and vigor for keeping us updated as to the current situation. I keep wondering what John King must be doing, now that there’s no polls or voting results to break down on that “magic board” of his. Just picturing him wandering the halls of CNN, absent-mindedly grazing his fingers across every surface he comes across, hoping that it will make him feel whole again.

Emptiness? Check.

My life has been so empty since the 4th. Sure, the occasional flares from Georgia, Minnesota and Alaska’s still contested Senate races has perked me up from time to time, but it’s not the same as that 24-hr, balls to the wall excitement that was the Presidential race. I’ve had trouble finding things to occupy my time from 5PM on every evening during the week and from 9AM ’till 11AM on Sundays (the start of the Countdown and the start of Meet the Press, respectively).

Inability to enjoy things previously enjoyed? Check.

Since election day, my wife and I have tried actually cooking and conversing, but there’s nothing to talk about now that politics has slowed down. We try to get into heated discussions about Obama’s impending selection of Cabinet members, but it’s just not the same. It always ends disappointment and humiliation.

We used to enjoy the Daily Show and Colbert Report, but now it just seems like both of those shows are going through the motions, not knowing what to do with themselves now that we have an adult as President-elect. There are only so many bad puns and silly gags Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert can use before it becomes obvious that they have nothing left to entertain us with.

Inability to be comforted? Check.

Definitely. No amount of news has satiated me. I’ve even turned to occasionally watching the local news. But there simply isn’t enough residual election residue left. I’ve even turned to word searches, just so I can circle every instance of “OBAMA” or “BIDEN” that I see. I’m to the point where even watching “Two and a Half Men” seems like a logical alternative to the lack of election reporting in the news I watch.

Increased anxiety or panic attacks? Check.

Why do you think I’ve felt the need to write about this? I’m anxious and a bit panic-y. I’ve been typing frantically for the last hour, causing lots of typing errors (hopefully all fixed) and a bunch of tangents that had to be cut off due to sheer awkwardness. I’m betting that none of you wanted to know about my theory that Keith Olbermann has infiltrated my thoughts and is slowly driving me crazy with constant “Special Comments” on my hygiene, eating habits and masculinity.

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As you can see, I’m a total mess. The only solution is to find another election to follow and become engrossed in that. It doesn’t even matter where it is in the world or for what position. Dogcatcher in London will do. Finance Minister in Burma suits me just fine. Hell, I’ll even follow local politics here in Portland if that’s what it takes. I can’t stand watching the local news, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I’m at the end of the my rope and this kind of thing calls for desperate measures. So, if you know of some kind of election that would involve pundits, polls and preferably a lot of snarky interchange between the candidates and their surrogates, I’m in. I’m so very, very lonely without an election to keep me company…