Paraphrasing the Candidates.
By Erik Hagen • Oct 22nd, 2008 • Category: Politics
It’s less than two weeks until Election Day, which can mean only one thing. It’s time to play “Paraphrasing the Candidates,” where I play you a video of the candidate, and then transcribe for you exactly what they said. Kind of. Okay, not really.
“You know, my opponent’s supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn’t agree with them any more. That’s right. This place is an enormous shithole. As a matter of fact, if America ever needed an enema, Pittsburgh is where they’d stick the hose. You people are utter shit. I hate this stupid election, and I hate every single one of you. Please, kindly get bent.”
“Third grader Brandon Garcia wants to know, what does the Vice President do?
That’s the kind of question my daughter Piper would ask! She’s a dumb kid too! Well, little Jimmy, what the Vice President does is that they’re the Queen of the Senate, and they sit in a big throne all day with a crown and a scepter in the Senate and people bring them mooseburgers and Diet Coke, and it’s up to the Vice President to make the Senate do whatever she wants them to do, like making it legal to shoot moose from a helicopter and junk. Oh yeah, you betcha. So it’s a job I’m looking forward to having, golly gee, because I can’t wait for the first thing to do to make myself President. Thanks for the question, Billy. Don’t forget to vote for me on November 8th, gosh darnit.”
“John McCain is a friend of mine. John McCain is the person closest to my heart. Which is why it pains me to say, John, TAKE DOWN THESE ADS! YAAARRGGH! TAKE DOWN THE ADS! STOP THE CALLS! GYAAHHH! I WILL PUT A CAP SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, I SWEAR TO THE LORD! JOE BIDEN WILL CRUSH PUNY MCCAIN! CRUSH HIM WITH FISTS OF STEEL! JOHN MCCAIN FRIEND! CRUSH FRIEND MCCAIN! STOP THE ROBO CALLS! STOP THEM NOW! AAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!”
“My friends, the relationship between Mr. Batman and Mr. Riddler is open to questioning. Was there an association? Does he condemn the Riddler’s actions? Would he condemn someone who says they’re unrepentant and wished that they had bombed more and left even more obscure riddles behind at the scene of the crime? These are questions that it is fair for the American people to ask about. I think it’s important for the American people to know that my opponent pals around with supervillians. Is this really a man who we can trust?”
“Helllloooo, St. Louis!! Are you ready to rock?! I can’t hear you. I said, are you ready to ROCK?! Alright, now we’ve had some word that some of this brown acid in the crowd is poison. It’s not poison. It’s just bad acid. It’s manufactured poorly. Anybody who thinks they’ve taken some poison, forget it. And if you feel like experimenting, only take half a tab. Thank you. This first song’s off my new album. It’s called Hopey Hopey Change. And a one, and a two, and a skuddly duddly doo…”
Marty: Let’s talk about your reviews a little bit…regarding ‘Intravenus de Milo’: “This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.”
Nigel: That’s, that’s nit picking, isn’t it?
Marty: ‘The Gospel According to Spinal Tap’: “This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question: “What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap and couldn’t he have rested on that day too?” ”
David: Never heard that one!
Derek: That’s a good one, that’s a good one!
Marty: The review you had on ‘Shark Sandwich’…which was merely a two word review – just said “shit sandwich.” Umm….
Derek: Where’d they print that, where’d they print that?
David: Where did that appear?
Nigel: That’s not real, is it?
Derek: You can’t print that.
Okay, so that’s two comic book references, two references to quotes from famous movies, one clip from a crappy 60s TV show, and multiple unfounded accusations of Obama being a hippie, Biden being a loon, McCain being a hothead and Palin being a mouth-breathing idiot. I’d say my work here is done for the day.
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Erik Hagen is comprised of equal parts X and Y chromosomes, snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and a whole lot of water. He was born into this world covered in blood, naked, and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.
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Nice bit of political commentary, Rik. I will point out one thing though; in the Biden video, you forgot to transcribe the part where he said, “FIRE BAD!!!”
Also, are you certain that the accusations of Palin not being a mouth-breathing idiot are, in fact, true. I have it on good authority that she is, indeed, a full-bore mouth-breather.