Invesco Field is packed with thousands of democrats. Nearly 75,000 people (maybe more) are anxiously awaiting Barack Obama’s speech, or his “Big Speech,” as CNN seems intent on calling it. That’s right, I’m watching this on CNN, because, for some stunningly stupid reason, PBS has decided to run their Nightly Business Report instead of covering the biggest news story of the week. I’m sure Jim Lehrer is cussing up a storm. The McLaughlin Group has apparently trashed their studio, outraged that they’re not covering actual news.

But, back at Invesco, everything seems pretty cut and dried. Obama is the nominee, Biden is his VP, but I can’t shake this feeling that, until all of the banners have been taken down and delegates have returned to their homes, we’re still not safe from some sort of Clintonian surprise. I grew up watching professional wrestling and the picture in my head is one of Obama and Biden, triumphant after Barack’s speech, waving to the crowd, drinking it all in, when out of nowhere, the music changes to “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” and Hillary sprints out onto the stage, brandishing a metal folding chair. As she bashes them each over the head and punches her fist in the air, the crowd sits stunned. Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper are livid, acting out the ghosts of Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jim Ross as they scream repeatedly, “OH NO! WHAT HAS HAPPENED? OH MY!!!”

A melee ensues and Hillary swipes the nomination, holds it above her head as the crowd boos lustily.

Of course, this is what happens when you watch waaaaay too much pro wrestling as a child. The storylines are so basic that they lend themselves very easily to even the most disperate situations. I’m deeply scarred. But at least Barack Obama is finally, officially the Democratic nominee for President…or is he?