37?! In a Row?
By Nate • Apr 3rd, 2008 • Category: Politics
Barack Obama no longer has a chance to become the next President of the United States. In my book, at least.
In case you hadn’t heard or didn’t think that it was important, Obama, while campaigning in Altoona, Pennsylvania, stopped into a bowling alley to chat up the townies and further enflame racial tensions by throwing a big black ball at a bunch of helpless white pins. Obviously, he understood the significance of this action and decided to BOWL AS POORLY HAS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, so that he didn’t threaten any of the quivering, blue-collar white folk around him.
He bowled a 37. Barack Obama, a man who is running for leader of the free world, bowled a 37. Thirty-seven. 3-7. Take thirty and add seven more to it, that’s what he bowled.
I cannot in good conscience vote for a man who cannot at least bowl his age (he’s 46). It’s pitiful, to say the least. It’s just not presidential.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who thinks so, either.
Chris Matthews: “…the fact that he’s good at basketball doesn’t surprise anybody, but the fact that he’s that terrible at bowling does make you wonder.”
Wonder what, exactly? Nixon was a good bowler. We sure as shit don’t want another Nixon.
Jo Scarborough: “…the thing is, Americans want their president, if it’s a man, to be a real man. You get 150, you’re a man, or a good woman…”
Hear that, ladies? Joe thinks you need to hit the lanes and get that average up to 150 or higher, otherwise he won’t even consider dating you.
Now, I’m not going to sit her and make thinly-veiled racial remarks (Matthews) or bold-faced sexist remarks sprinkled with questions about his sexual orientation (Scarborough), but I will sit and wonder what could have been if he could have only picked up a spare or two. Not to ape Matthews, but thank God he has a decent jump shot.
I don’t even want to think what a president who can’t bowl would do to our foreign relations…
I will crush you…Obama.
Nate is pretty sure Mark Twain said it best, "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place."
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I am very glad that you have brought this to our attention, but there’s a critical connection you aren’t making: Obama is running for office for the sole purpose of having a private one-lane bowling alley[1] to practice on for 4 or possibly (if he improves his score quickly enough) 8 years. This is both good and bad, of course. It’s bad insofar as it means that he wants to be President for all the right reasons, and no candidate who has wanted that has ever been elected. It’s good, though, because when the phone rings at 3 a.m., he’ll already be awake. Bowling.
[1] http://www.whitehousemuseum.org/floor0/bowling-alley.htm
Obama is in North Dakota today! Where’s Sod’s political correspondent?
I tried getting Colbert to cover it, but he said his health care plan wouldn’t cover what he called “respiratory ailments as a result of exposure to second-hand reefer smoke.” Then he said something about James Carville having put a voodoo curse on his head and hung up on me.
I really need to start reading people’s resumes more closely before signing them to seven-year guaranteed contracts.
A Johnson - I was actually going to include a pic of Truman bowling for this post, but cut it out at the last minute. I also cut out a three-paragraph aside about Presidential bowling in the White House that included the line “Kennedy wasn’t much of a bowler, but he did like to have his balls rubbed down and polished.”
Not sure why I cut that, now that I think about it.