As I sit in my office today, foot twitching, face freshly painted like a clown, impatiently waiting for midnight to roll around so I can start watching The Dark Knight already, I have decided to help pass the time with a Batman-themed blog post. To that end, I wanted to do a side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side comparison of all of the Batman movies to this point, but since I couldn’t figure out how to get the DVDs to upload onto the webpage, I’ve had to aim smaller and will instead compare the trailers for the Batman movies. Please note that, much like the movies themselves, as you make your way through them, each becomes progressively shittier up until Batman Begins, at which point the quality level heads up towards the sky.

BATMAN

The first thing this trailer reminded me is that I’m really fricking old, since I still remember this one being in theaters and it came out 18 years ago. But nevermind that. What I should have been noticing is that’s a pretty exciting trailer, for a movie that came out 18 years ago. Also, what the hell happened to Michael Keaton? Is he still alive?

BEST PARTS:

This is actually true for all the trailers, but the score is friggin’ fantastic. It was so good, it almost made you forget all the shitty music that Prince contributed to the soundtrack.

I’m still quite fond of Nicholson’s “Wait’ll they get a load of me,” as it still kinda scares the piss out of me.

The one thing this trailer emphasizes is that Batman has about as many weapons as some third world countries. Which definitely makes for a more exciting trailer than focusing on the Batarangs or, God help us, the Bat-cuffs.

WORST PARTS:

Kim Basinger screaming her dumb head off is quite grating. She was supposed to be a war photographer, right? How the hell did she not get shot more often?

Robert Wuhl? What the hell is he doing there?

Batman can’t turn his neck. You’d think that’d hinder his never-ending battle on the criminal underground in some ways.

BATMAN RETURNS

For the sequel, Tim Burton upped the Time Burton-ishness of the movie, resulting in the either loved or reviled Batman Returns.

BEST PARTS:

The fight between Batman and Catwoman makes the leap from Awesome to Extraordinary when Catwoman grabs the ears on top of Batman’s mask and slams his face into her knee. You’d think everyone would do that when fighting Batman. It’s quite obviously his Achille’s Heel.

The Penguin using the often-reviled art of shadow puppetry to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies.

WORST PARTS:

The Penguin’s army of penguins with rockets strapped to their backs is still less intimidating as much as freakishly stupid. And on that subject, why does the Penguin’s rogue gallery have so many clowns in it? Was there a clearance sale after the Joker bit it in the first picture?

Someone should probably remind Batman that his “do not kill” rule kind of prohibits him from knocking goons down big pits and throwing them off bridges. But maybe he’s tossing them towards big piles of pillows or something, which even if he was, he probably doesn’t notice what with not being able to turn his neck.

Catwoman’s cat-related lines like “Meow.” and “Hear me roar.” may seem harmless, but truth be told, they were the precursor to Mr. Freeze making 38,000 ice-related puns in Batman & Robin. With that in mind, Michelle Pfeiffer, I swear I’ll have my revenge someday.

Where the hell is Christopher Walken in this trailer? He was in the movie! I remember!

BATMAN FOREVER

The slight step down in quality between Batman and Batman Returns becomes a full-on faceplant with the transition to Batman Forever. You have to see the full movie to fully appreciate that sentiment, but fortunately the trailer manages to fit a good number of the most godawful moments. Yet this movie somehow still made money. Go figure.

BEST PARTS:

Jim Carrey is over-the-top and campy as hell, just like the rest of the film, but fortunately that makes for a good interpretation of the Riddler. So there’s a reason why he gets most of the focus in this trailer. He’s one of the only decent parts of the flick.

The beginning of the trailer is decent and almost manages to fool you into thinking that Tim Burton was still directing, right up until Alfred asks him if he wants a sandwich and Batman says he’ll get drive-thru. After that, everything promptly goes to shit.

WORST PARTS:

All of the duality aspects of Two-Face from the comics are instantly tossed out the window in Tommy Lee Jones’ portrayal, as he instead decides to go with “bad impression of Jack Nicholson from the first movie.” But hey, did you see him drinking out of two different glasses? Isn’t that nutty?

“It’s the car, right? Chicks dig the car.” *sound of soul dying*

Doesn’t it kind of defeat the purpose of the Batmobile being able to get in and out of dangerous situations quickly when you make it glow neon? Also, it looks vaguely phallic, kind of like everything else in this stupid movie.

BATMAN AND ROBIN

Interestingly enough, the Batman and Robin trailer is every bit as shitty as the movie was. At least with the three minute run time, you’re spared most of the movie’s lingering crotch shots and rubber nipples. Notice I said most, and not all.

BEST PARTS:

Ha ha. You’re a funny guy.

WORST PARTS:

Every single damn second of Arnold in this trailer and in this movie is the worst kind of torture imaginable. It is so tortorous, in fact, that I’m surprised Donald Rumsfeld doesn’t list this as his favorite movie ever. *Rim shot*

In case Batman Forever’s trailer didn’t beat you about the head enough about the importance of teamwork, this trailer practically screams it into your face with the impact of a fire hose. Yes, we get it. Sometimes Batman needs the kind of help that can only be provided by flash-in-the-pan actors who were last heard from in the late nineties.

That Batgirl P.C. line is so forced and so atrocious, I am forced to go to imdb.com, find out who wrote the screenplay, and then track them down to their home and administer several kicks to the groin area. Don’t think I won’t do it either, because I won’t.

BATMAN BEGINS

What you’re seeing here is what happens when you take the directorial duties out of the hands of a total hack and turn them over to someone competent. So instead of being subjected to three minutes’ worth of bad puns and plastic neon garbage, you are instead treated like an adult with a functioning brain stem and presented with a movie that respects both the Batman legacy and your intelligence. Novel concept, huh?

BEST PARTS:

There’s this overall dark and dingy feeling to this trailer which none of the Batman movies before it ever got right and this one does, as it fits what Batman is about authenticly. The colors are muted, the shadows are pronounced, and everything feels appropriately unsettling. For a movie about a hero that dresses up like a demon, that is exactly the feel you’re supposed to have.

I’m still slightly upset at myself for not having figured out that Liam Neeson’s character was R’as al Ghul the whole time, partly because (as this trailer ably demonstrates in the beginning) his mannerisms and inflections are spot-on for the character, but also because he looks exactly the same as the comic version. Maybe I’m not as big a nerd as I thought I was.

Pretty much everything, truth be told.

WORST PARTS:

I guess I’ll go with Katie Holmes. Oh, and I still hate that damn car.

THE DARK KNIGHT

Can’t….make it….eight more hours….still…..

Is it just me, or is this the slowest day ever?