I’m a completest. I have to see things through to the end. This can sometimes get me into trouble, like when I insisted on watching all three of Wesley Snipes‘ Blade movies or when I just had to see all of the Star Wars Prequels. Other times, it can be a good thing, like when I watched all three of the Lord of the Rings movies or bought both Use Your Illusion and Use Your Illusion II. But the good times are too often isolated incidents and I usually end up with something equivalent to Saved By The Bell: The College Years, or, in this case, Spider-man 3.

God, what a gigantic turd sandwich that movie was.

But, I’d seen the first two. When I was growing up, I read a few of the comics, so I decided that I wanted to see the movies. I mean, they were directed by Sam Raimi. Sam Raimi directed Evil Dead, what did I have to worry about? Then again, I failed to take into consideration that Sam also directed the stinker The Quick and The Dead.

I tend to narrow my focus at the worst possible times.

I sat through the whole movie, too. Every last minute. I was vainly hoping that some way, some how it would get awesome. My hope was unfounded. You can dress up a pile of shit in a slick, black Spidey outfit, but it’s still a pile of shit.

I detested just about everything about this movie. The acting was stilted and silly. The editing was terrible (a five minute climactic fight scene? After almost two hours of crap? Come on). It was waaay too self-referential and self-aware, to the point that it was distracting. In fact, the only good scene involved Bruce Campbell as the matre’ d at a fancy French restaurant, and that scene was only ONLY good because of Bruce Campbell. He’s awesome. Including him in every movie he makes seems to be the last redeeming quality that Raimi has at this point.

Oh, and two more things:

1) Tobey McGuire is a complete and utter tool. He’s Tom Hanks without any of the likability. He’s a talentless actor with no personality and no skills whatsoever as an actor, aside from looking like a beaten dog.

2) I’ll scream this until the day I die; Kirsten Dunst is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Sure, maybe she was cute in that stink-fest Interview With A Vampire, but she was a kid, most kids are cute. Now, she’s just plain NOT ATTRACTIVE. I’ve never seen an actress or entertainer get a by so often just by fulfilling so many men’s fantasies of a hot redhead. Ron Howard’s daughter as a fake blond was more attractive that Kirsten, and that’s saying something. Seriously, people, don’t believe the hype.

So, if you happen to be one of the few dozen people who have not yet seen Spider-man 3, I must strongly suggest that you say the hell away. Even if you’re an utter completest like myself, just avoid it at all costs. Go watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or listen to Led Zepplin III or something.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get around to finally watching Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. I hear it’s a rip-roaring roller coaster of a film…

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