Ruining Transformers 2 before it has a chance to ruin you.
By Erik Hagen • Jun 11th, 2008 • Category: Movies
Fresh off of being named THE Greatest Movie Of All Time (Released In The Year 2007) at the MTV Movie Awards, the Transformers movie is getting a sequel. So what would you guess the title of said sequel should be? Transformers 2: Even More Explodey Shit Than Transformers 1? Close. The actual title for the Transformers sequel will be…
Dramatic Pause…
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Cool, huh? Sounds all dramatic and what not? Hell, it sounds like it could be the title of a shitty Star Wars prequel. But to analyze it further, what does “Revenge of the Fallen” actually mean? Loath as I am to admit it, I saw the first Transformers movie, so I’m what you would call “in the know” as far as what actually happened in that stupid freaking movie. So I can definitively say who these “Fallen” actually are. Only one Transformer actually died in the first movie, and that one “Fallen” Transformer is:
Jazz, the hip-hop Autobot!
That’s right. Others who sat through the first Transformer movie might recall Jazz as the Transformer who spoke the movie’s most memorable lines, “What crackin’, little bitches?” and “This looks like a cool place to KICK IT!” You may also recall that Jazz was the one Transformer who did, in fact, know how to KICK IT.
That’s right. Jazz is the Scrappy-Doo of the Transformers movie.
Now because Jazz was quite obviously the voice of his generation, it fell upon him to be the martyr for the Transformers cause. Which is why, in the heat of the movie’s climactic battle, Jazz chose to let the Megatron , the leader of the evil Decepticons, step on him and then pick him up over his head, at which point he bravely demanded of Megatron, “You want a piece of me?” to which Megatron replied, “No, I want two,” and then ripped him in half. It was a death scene so packed with raw emotion that I recall being so choked up to the point of doing that kind of a laugh where your ribcage shakes violently and you try to make a laughing noise but no sound actually comes out and you feel like you might possibly suffocate. Here. Enjoy it for yourself.
I swear, it never gets old.
So putting two and two together, we can decipher that the plot of the second Transformers movie will involve Zombie Jazz rising from the dead and having his revenge on a cold, indifferent world. And rest assured, Jazz’s revenge will be most bodacious. Most bodacious, indeed. Where will you be when Zombie Jazz rides a snowboard off a ramp over fifteen flaming cars? How will you prepare yourself for the onslaught of his up-to-date knowledge of the street slang of today’s youth? What will you do to save yourself from his pure unbridled awesomeness? ARE YOU PREPARED FOR HIS AWESOMENESS?
Next summer, Jazz is gonna get him some. Deal with it. Bitches.
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Erik Hagen is comprised of equal parts X and Y chromosomes, snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and a whole lot of water. He was born into this world covered in blood, naked, and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.
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Since you’re an “insider,” do you know if there will also be a Poochie cameo in the new Transformers movie? I hear that he’s superfly dope to the max, or something. Kids get what that means, don’t they?
I have it on good authority that Jazz is half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli.
we are stupid
haha…ha…ha……no.
if they took that route, ROTF would be dead in the water. Megatron “dies” and in the credits we see Starscream peace the f*** out. we never find out where Scorpinok or Frenzy end up, more than likely leaving room for the entrance of Soundwave.
it’s pretty obvious that Optimus’ message gets shot out and intercepted by “new” Decepticons, who would probably find out from Starscream their leader got destroyed, then come to earth looking for Sam, kidnap him and force optimus to reveal the location of the Construct or whatever they choose to call the force that made the cube, so they can bring Megatron back from the dead.
enter a random giant one-wheeled, way-bigger-than-Optimus robot, and you’ve got yourself a sequel.
NOW it’s ruined for you.
You might actually wanna take this down as I’m pretty positive that’ll be the actual plot.
Cheers from Canada
For the record, I knew you were saying it in jest, but i had the sudden urge to ACTUALLY ruin it for everyone.
My apologies