A couple of months ago, my grandmother told me about a movie she’d seen with one of her friends; because she’s old and because I have my old-people stereotypes, I immediately assumed she’d seen something sweet, quirky and pleasant, like The Bucket List or Horton Hears A Who.

She saw Knocked-Up.

Seriously, Grandma? What the hell?

Her reaction to the movie was apparently similar to my reaction of her seeing the movie. First, she had to endure Seth Rogen for THREE HOURS, and second, she had to endure constant cursing, vagina talk, penis talk and more cursing. Then it was all wrapped up by watching a soft-ball-sized head being pushed out of something the size of a pencil sharpener.

I was horrified for her. I hugged her and cooed condescending proclamations of sympathy and disgust.

So, recently, my sister and I walked into one of the most juvenile movies I’ve seen (and, of course, thoroughly enjoyed) in years, and realized half the theater was full of seniors. Was it senior day? I asked the 12-year-old concessionaire. No, he squeaked, old people just like watching movies.

I’m sure that’s true, but I also think movie reviews nowadays make movies sound far, far more innocuous than the movies actually are, thus sending sensitive, cookie-making grandmothers to atrocious comedies like Superbad or Hot Rod. So I’m adjusting a few that I’ve seen, for our senior - or simply sensitive and gentle - viewers and readers.

Knocked-Up

Actual Review: For fun loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.

Seniors Review: If you want to see a big, hairy ass in the first 20 minutes of the movie, this is the one for you. If you want to see 10 horrific seconds of child birth at the end of the movie, I also recommend this one. You can further expect several jokes about tits, ass and penis. Seth Rogen is a douche.

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Actual Review: These two lovable free spirits try to fly to Amsterdam for a fun-filled vacation, but get accused of being terrorists.

Seniors’ Review: There is a giant, woman-sized bag of weed wearing a bra and adorned with what seems to be a vagina made of felt, which is subsequentially fondled. There is also a “bottomless party” as opposed to a “topless party.” You have to know where this is going.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Actual Review: Devastated Peter takes a Hawaii vacation in order to deal with recent break-up with his TV star girlfriend, Sarah. Little does he know Sarah’s traveling to the same resort … and she’s bringing along her new boyfriend.

Seniors’ Review: The only time the 65-year-old man next to me chuckled was after a joke about anal beads. Otherwise, he was deathly silent through the whole thing. I was worried he had possibly suffered a coronary.

The Happening

Actual Review: A paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity

Seniors’ Review: A woman stabs herself in the neck with a knitting needle she’d been holding in her hair in the first seven minutes of the show. I don’t know why it was in her hair. When she pulled it out, her bun stayed in place like magic, when it really should’ve made her hair swing down all dramatic or something. Also, Mark Wahlberg’s acting is so atrocious that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, young or old. Overall, the concept is clean and intriguing, but nearly comically executed. Wait for it on video, Grandma, if you must watch it. I’m sure it’ll be there soon.

That’s it for now. I hope I’ve saved someone else’s grandmother from sitting through three hours of juvenile jack-assery on a sunny, Sunday afternoon with a friend.