I can’t say for certain, but I’m told there was a Super Bowl on Sunday that involved one team prevailing over the other. I wouldn’t know. I prefer billiards. But in years past, I have made a habit of watching this so-called “football game” for the sake of the advertisements. But now, thanks to this new thing called the Internet, I can watch all of the Super Bowl advertisements on one webpage at the same time, without having them interrupted periodically by the New York Giants’ surprising come-from-behind victory over the New England Patriots. Joy!

So here it is, much delayed, this year’s selections for Super Bowl advertising’s highest level of achievement, the MACCY awards. Congratulations to all the winners and, please, don’t boil the statuettes this year. I put a lot of effort into gluing them together.

Funniest Commercial

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here again. You put a commercial on the air that involves a shirt stain screaming back everything that a person’s saying in a loud, semi-indecipherable manner and I will probably laugh at it.

Best Ad That Inadvertently Invokes Tommy Boy

I have a tiny head?

Best Continuing Of The “Things Screaming That Shouldn’t Be Able To Scream” Meme Advertisement

I really do think that the best way to make an impact in advertising is to include as much screaming as possible. If you have even a single word that’s spoken in anything resembling a soft-spoken manner, you have failed in your marketing. So screaming animals are definitely, definitely more likely to make me buy whatever it was that was being advertised in that commercial.

Best Advertisement Involving Fireballs And Cats

This commercial had me so pumped that as soon as it ended, I tried to high-five my cat. She left me hanging.

Best Commercial That Spoils Cloverfield

Yeah, that’s right. The Cloverfield monster is a giant pigeon. And this commercial just totally ruined the surprise. Suck on that, people who haven’t seen Cloverfield yet.

Best Reason Not To Sign A Multi-Year Contract Deal With Flash-In-The-Pan Comedians

Poor Budweiser. Stuck with their multi-year advertising campaign based around the usage of 2006’s Hackiest Comedian Carlos Mencia. Maybe next year they can upgrade to someone slightly more relevant and get Yakoff Smirnoff.

“In America, you drink Budweiser. In Soviet Russia, Budweiser drinks you! What a country!”

Best Commercial That Will Most Resemble My Nightmares Tonight

At night, while I’m trying to sleep, I can still hear the lizards dancing. It eats away at my soul.

Runner-Up To Best Commercial That Will Most Resemble My Nightmares Tonight

The mouse is killing the man! Stop killing the man!

Commercial That Best Tells It Like It Is

You are absolutely right, talking baby. There is nothing more disturbing than a clown. Except for possibly a talking baby.

And finally…

Commercial I Am Most Likely To Watch Again And Again In A Continuing Loop For Hours On End

Does watching Justin Timberlake having his skull crushed in by a big screen plasma television ever get old? I submit that it does not!