Doesn’t that just make you want a big bag of Skittles? Don’t you just want to tear into that colorful bag of fun and think about how that poor man cannot touch his child, for fear that he turn into the very candy that you’re now enjoying?

Really?!

There’s something wrong with you, kiddo.

If anything, that commercial makes me want to go hug my wife and call my folks just to tell them I love them. It’s just depressing. Horribly, horribly depressing.

Yet, on Youtube, it’s listed as “Hilarious Skittles Commercial.” What the hell is wrong with you people? Not being able to feed and clothe yourself because everything you touch turns to Skittles isn’t hilarious. Hasn’t anyone ever heard the story of King Midas? Wait, what am I thinking? According to the New York Times, there’s no way that any of you know who the hell I’m talking about when I mention King Midas. According to that article, a good chunk of you think that Columbus discovered America in 1750. 1750!

Doesn’t anyone remember the grade school Columbus rhyme, “…in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue?” Of course, it’s a moot point, because Norseman Leif Ericson discovered America around the year 1000.

Sorry, I’ll stop with the history lesson. Most of you have left to go look at the hilarity going on over at icanhascheezburger, anyway. Cats with bad grammar crack me up, too.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, that creepy-ass Skittles commercial. Trying to compare that poor man to King Midas was a mistake. Something more topical…okay, the guy in that commercial is like Rogue from the X-men comics and movies, except he’s a black guy and she’s played by the vaguely hot Anna Paquin.

Get it? Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call my folks and thank them for not imbuing me with the cursed ability to turn everything I touch into Skittles.