You might have noticed that here at the SodBlog, to this point we’ve been a little bit hard on Hillary Clinton. And it’s a valid argument. But after having watched Saturday Night Live for the last three weeks, I, along with the rest of the news media, am now convinced that we’ve been far too hard on Hillary Clinton while being way too easy on Barack Obama. So since everyone else in the media has balanced out this discrepancy by being ridiculously pro-Clinton for the last two weeks, I’m going to do the same by taking on a Clintonista perspective and throwing some red meat to the base with a biased, almost-completely-out-of-touch-with-reality blog post extolling the virtues of the illustrious Mrs. Clinton. So if you’ll excuse me for just a moment…

(Slips on fashionable pant suit)

Ready from Day One! Change you can Xerox! 35 years of experience!

Okay, so here’s the deal. You may have heard earlier that there’s no chance in hell of Hillary Clinton winning the nomination at this point. Well, to that I can only say that in this particular case, reality is complete bullshit. True, Barack Obama may have won more delegates, and more votes, and even twice as many states. But none of that really matters. No, what actually matters in a Democratic primary isn’t the will of the delegates, but rather the will of the superdelegates, who are like regular delegates, only better. See, an ordinary delegate is decided by an election of the population of a state. If more people vote for you in a state, then you are pledged an equal amount of delegates relative to the population of said state. But superdelegates are even better, because they’re not pledged to anything other than the songs being sung by their heart. All you have to do to get a superdelegate’s vote is prove to them that your opponent, despite having the clear majority of votes, is completely unelectable and that you, the second place finisher, should be given the nomination instead.

So how does one go about doing such a thing? Again, very simple. If your opponent has more states in their column than you do, all you need to do to take the lead is to prove that all of the points that the other team scored don’t count. For you see, all states are indeed equal, but some states are more than equal than others. To prove this, here is a listing of all of the states that have voted thus far in the primary season. If you go by the antiquated notion that all of the states are equally represented, than Barack Obama is ahead 29 to 15. But the more realistic perspective is that, sadly, some states are significant to the democratic process and some are decidedly more insignificant. So to find the real score, we just need to determine which states are relevant and which aren’t.

So let’s do this thing. Each state is listed alphabetically with the total number of delegates in brackets and the delegate split and delegate winner listed thereafter. Following a weighing of the arguments of that state’s relevance, the state will then be ruled either SIGNIFICANT or INSIGNIFICANT. At the end, we will add up the SIGNIFICANT states, see who won in those states, and thereafter decided who is the Democratic nominee from this completely impartial contest.

Alabama (52) 27 -25 Obama - Are they even still in the country? I was pretty sure they succeeded a long time ago. I could check, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. INSIGNIFICANT

Alaska (13) 9-4 Obama. They’re not even attached to the country. That makes them about as relevant in picking our President as Siberia. INSIGNIFICANT

American Samoa (3) 2-1 Clinton - Although they’re technically also not connected to America, at least they have America in their name. Thus, relevance! SIGNIFICANT

Arizona (56) 31-25 Clinton - Since this is John McCain’s homestate, this will be a major battleground in the general election. Thus, we would definitely want the candidate who would be guaranteed a win against the man who’s been elected to the Senate here for 20 straight years. SIGNIFICANT

Arkansas (35) 27-8 Clinton - When you think of democracy, what’s the first state you think of? Bingo! Arkansas. SIGNIFICANT

California (370) 202-161-7 Clinton - It’s a well known fact that half of the population of the U.S.A. lives in California. So a reasonable argument could be made that the only primary that counts should be California’s. But since it’s too late to make that the rule, we’ll just have to say that unofficially this was the only primary that really mattered for anything. SIGNIFICANT

Colorado (55) 32-13 Obama - This state was a caucus vote, which, as everyone knows, is about as unamerican as it gets. In addition, they appear to have voted while under a “Rock Mountain High,” if you know what I mean. INSIGNIFICANT

Connecticut (48) 26-22 Obama - In your life, have you ever met anyone from Connecticut that you didn’t secretly loathe? Of course you haven’t. INSIGNIFICANT

Delaware (15) 9-6 Obama - Small states don’t count for anything. INSIGNIFICANT

Democrats Abroad (7) Obama - Oh, please. If they don’t even live here, why should we care what they think? INSIGNIFICANT

District of Columbia (15) Obama. - Yeah, nice try. It’s called the United States, not the United Districts. INSIGNIFICANT

Georgia (87) 60-27 Obama - Maybe if we were electing a President of Peach Land. But we’re not. INSIGNIFICANT

Hawaii (20) 14-6 Obama - Again, not connected to the continental U.S., thus irrelevant. And besides, Barack Obama was born here, so how could a person possibly lose the state they were born in? Huh? INSIGNIFICANT

Idaho (18) 15-3 Obama - We are also not electing a President of Potato Land. INSIGNIFICANT

Illinois (153) 104-49 Obama - It goes without saying that it doesn’t count if you win the state that you represent in the Senate. INSIGNIFICANT

Iowa (45) Obama 16-15. Caucus. They also had the temerity to vote before anyone else could. Nobody likes a budger, Iowa. INSIGNIFICANT

Kansas (32) 23-9 Obama - Caucus. In addition, they don’t believe in evolution. So what the hell could they possibly know? INSIGNIFICANT

Louisiana (56) 34-22 Obama - You know what language is frequently spoken in Louisiana? French. Just saying. INSIGNIFICANT

Maine (24) 15-9 Obama - This vote was usurped by Canadians at the last moment. And what’s more unamerican than Canada? INSIGNIFICANT

Maryland (70) 42-28 Obama - Their name is Maryland. Mary. Land. That’s totally feminine and in the War on Terror, we need to rely on manly, rugged states like California and Massachusetts to lead the way. Stand down, Maryland. INSIGNIFICANT

Massachusetts (93) 55-38 Clinton - No state is more in touch with true blue American values than Massachusetts. SIGNIFICANT

Minnesota (72) 48-24 Obama - The Minnesota Vikings have tried and failed four seperate times to win the Super Bowl. How can they be considered relevant in the political landscape until they manage to climb this hurdle? INSIGNIFICANT

Missouri (72) 36-36 Tie - On Super Tuesday, this state was initially called for Hillary Clinton, before the cowardly news media rescinded that call and instead gave the state to Barack Obama based on the completely irrelevant fact that he had more votes. So how can you count Missouri when you can’t even be certain who won here? Obviously, you can’t, since they picked the wrong person. INSIGNIFICANT

Nebraska (24) 16-8 Obama - Caucus. And way too Midwestern for my liking. INSIGNIFICANT

Nevada (25) 13-12 Obama - Hmm, this one’s hard to call. I’m pretty sure they said Hillary won here, but that delegate count argues otherwise. Just to be on the safe side, I better go with my gut. SIGNIFICANT, I THINK

New Hampshire (22) 11-11 Tie - Yeah, technically speaking, this state was a tie in delegates. But on the other hand, it was the site of HILLARY’S GREATEST POLITICAL COMEBACK OF ALL TIME THAT CHANGED THE DIRECTION OF THE RACE. You know, the first one. SIGNIFICANT

New Jersey (107) 59-48 Hillary - For too long, this state has been reduced to a punchline to unfunny jokes. Well, no more. New Jersey is every bit as important as its older, more well-liked brother New York. And since it’s as important as New York, and New York is obviously SIGNIFICANT, then the process of elimination means that New Jersey would be: SIGNIFICANT

New Mexico (26) 14-12 Hillary - For a while there, it looked like the good citizens of New Mexico were going to vote themselves into insignificant status, but at the last minute, and after nine whole days of “counting” the ballots, they managed to turn it around and vote themselves significant. You gotta admire that kind of determination. SIGNIFICANT

New York (232) 138-93 Hillary - It goes without saying that it counts if you win the state that you represent in the Senate. SIGNIFICANT

North Dakota (13) 8-5 Obama - Take it straight from the horse’s mouth. Having lived in this state all my life, I can assure you that nothing of any relevance has ever happened in North Dakota. Ever. INSIGNIFICANT

Ohio (141) 74-65 Clinton - I shouldn’t even have to tell you how relevant Ohio is. They gave Bush the White House in 2004, which must mean that this is the only state that should matter at all. Besides California. SIGNIFICANT

Oklahoma (38) 24-14 Clinton - The initials of Oklahoma are OK. The definition of “ok” is significant. Good enough for me. SIGNIFICANT

Rhode Island (21) 13-8 Clinton - See? Not only did Hillary “win” the biggest state of Texas (Alaska is disqualified for being like Siberia), she also won the smallest state! Sometimes small states do matter. Like in this instance. SIGNIFICANT

South Carolina (45) 25-12 Obama - Jesse Jackson won this state twice. Automatic disqualification. INSIGNIFICANT

Tennessee (68) 40-28 Clinton - What could possibly be more American than Nashville and country western music? Answer: nothing. SIGNIFICANT

Texas (193) 92-91 Clinton - True, ten of the delegates in Texas have yet to be accounted for, and they will more than likely break towards Obama on account of the fact that he won the caucuses that followed the Texas primary. So, in the end, Obama will more than likely leave Texas with more delegates than Clinton. But CNN says Hillary won Texas, and by God, they’ve never been wrong about anything ever before. SIGNIFICANT, MOSTLY

Utah (23) 14-9 Obama - To this very day, scientists have yet to locate a single Democrat in all of Utah. So since there was an actual vote total reported by Utah, we can only assume that this election was a complete fraud. And there’s no way you can be relevant when you cheat so blatantly. INSIGNIFICANT

Vermont (15) 9-6 Obama. - What, are you kidding me? Why should the most liberal state on the face of the planet have any say in who the Democratic Party’s nominee for President is? INSIGNIFICANT

Virginia (83) 54-29 Obama - Virginia is for lovers. And Communists. INSIGNIFICANT

Virgin Islands (3) 3-0 Obama - Not a part of the country. And besides, their name is filthy. INSIGNIFICANT

Washington (78) 52-26 Obama - A legitimate claim could be made that any state known as being “the birthplace of grunge music” should have no say in electing a President of the United States ever again. Bunch of latte-drinking froo-froos. INSIGNIFICANT

Wisconsin (74) 42-32 Obama - Wisconsin is famous for their cheese. You know who else likes cheese? France. Just saying. INSIGNIFICANT

Wyoming (12) 7-5 Obama - Once again, a caucus state, but also they must not have televisions in Wyoming, because what other excuse is there that they didn’t hear that HILLARY CLINTON HAS RESIEZED THE MOMENTUM AND IS NOW THE CLEAR FRONTRUNNER AFTER DESTROYING BARACK OBAMA IN OHIO AND TEXAS. How can a state possibly be relevant if they don’t even pay attention to what the news media is telling them to think? INSIGNIFICANT

So there you have it. And now, having gone over the list, we have a definitive list of fifteen states whose voices should count towards deciding on our Democratic nominee for President. And, by a complete and total coincidence, all fifteen of these significant states are in Hillary Clinton’s column. Thus, the final score is 15-0. Mandate, bitches!

All hail Hillary Clinton, the new President of America. Because we said so.