The National Bureau of Economic Research in a concentrated effort to prove that hindsight is indeed 20/20, has declared publically that the United States has been in a recession since December of last year. No shit. But I for one, having no real money or any other sort of assets to speak of am not going to panic. No, I yearn for times of national duress. Days like these are when we as Americans get to exercise our most unalienable of unalienable rights, the right to point fingers and lay blame. Let me share a few tips if you’re new to the game.

            First, let’s assume you’re poor or at the very least in the lower middle class. Then it’s the fault of illegal immigrants, the fabulously wealthy, and the government. Illegal immigrants are taking all the jobs that your tenth grade education would allow you to have, thus you can’t spend any money that you would probably blow on NASCAR decals for your Monte Carlo. Obviously the unbelieveable wealth of the fantastically rich could possibly be redistributed to those who are working twice as much for a hundred times less. You will say to yourself, “If only the government wasn’t in the pockets of these financially bloated geezers maybe they could recognize that the poor have a harder time making ends meet.” Or if you’re really poor: “If only the government wasn’t a bunch of financially bloated geezers etc. etc. etc.” Of course no one will listen to you so don’t waste your breath. Face it, you’re poor, generally you never get any further than the class you are born into. Hey, at least Maury Povich is still somehow fresh and entertaining after all these years.

            Alright, the people who matter the least are out of the way. Middle class folks, you’re next. Of course you have to blame the government, and to a lesser extent illegal immigrants. Not because they are taking your jobs. You’re comfortable in your cubical pushing paper and since you speak fluent English you have the upper hand. No, your enemy is India. They probably speak better English then you do, and they work twenty-four hours a day. Don’t believe me? Call any computer tech support hotline. The same dude is answering the phone seven days a week at all hours. Fear South Asia middle class, they are better than you at your own job, and they haven’t even been trained in yet. You might as well give up anyway. That retirement plan that seemed great five years ago is gone anyway.

            Of course we cannot forget the wealthy upper crust. Of course the poor are to blame. If they wouldn’t have such a hard time spending money then we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. You could try hiring some of these people to clean up around the house, maybe trim the hedges, but Carlos does it for pennies on the dollar, and he doesn’t gripe and complain, not in a language you can understand anyway. Your best bet is to hope for another republican White House four years from now, when once again you can reap the benefits of tax cuts on the gobs of cash that you won’t ever be able to spend in your lifetime. Remember rich folks, the government is only your friend when it’s a republican one.

            Where do I personally stand on the issue? Well I don’t consider myself to be poor (I am rich in friends and family and the other sort of useless shit that isn’t helping me buy that boat I’ve always wanted) the government does. Therefore I blame the wealthy and the government whose strings they are pulling. I am, however, looking for a personal financial bailout. I made a few bad business decisions and sunk some money into some real estate ventures that didn’t really pan out for me. Just tough luck I guess, but I hear the government is willing to help out folks like me…