Too dumb for gum.
By Kelly • May 13th, 2008 • Category: Food & Drink, General Sod
Here’s my problem with bubble gum ice cream.
I like to think of myself as a think-for-myselfer. I distrust authority, and I hate all my bosses at work, I dislike both political parties for different reasons, and I’m just never satisfied with either team in the Super Bowl. But, secretly - seriously, don’t you tell anyone - I need to be told what to do. I really do. I have no idea what I’m doing. All the best parts of my life happened mostly by accident. I just did what the signs told me to do, and shit fell into place. Girlfriend, dog, house, college degree, job in my field. I didn’t plan any of this.
So, yeah. Getting back to ice cream. I understand ice cream. It put it in my mouth, remember not to chew it, or it will hurt my teeth, and let the motion of the ocean melt it down and into my gullet. Everything is good. My sad life improves.
Bubble gum ice cream, though, very obviously requires some more stressful planning. It’s ice cream, yes, but it also has bubble gum imbedded in its dairy goodness. For people who require context, bubble gum isn’t food. You chew it, squeeze its juices on out, then when it becomes a flavorless clump of rubber cement, you spit it into the garbage, further polluting Al Gore’s environment.
Should you screw up and swallow gum, it stays in your stomach for seven years, then a goddamn gremlin hatches from it, and explodes out of your unsuspecting, stupid chest, killing you slowly and painfully. It’s so very gruesome.
So, what is it that the makers of bubble gum ice cream expect me to do? Juggle the ice cream and bubble gum on my tongue, swallowing that frosty treat while keeping the gum in my mouth? I’m nowhere near that talented. Pick all of the bubble gum out of the ice cream, saving it for later? I remember being specifically trained by my parents not to pick through my food with my fingers, because it’s rude and truly messy when you’re trying to pick every lump out of your mashed potatoes.
What if I were to melt the whole elixir down until it’s all liquified, then rapidly freeze it back again? I’ve never actually melted gum before. Is that dangerous?
Listen, these are a lot of questions, and really, all of them should have been asked and answered long before Ben, Jerry, or that son of a bitch Baskin Robbins decided to start marketing this condemnable flavor of ice cream. Just a little not on the side of the container, telling me what it is I should be doing. They put a “Do not operate in the shower” note on hair curlers for idiots like me. Can’t we extend the same courtesy to ice cream?
Just a little idea for everyone to chew on.
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Kelly is unable to remember his password to this site sometimes. Hates it when pills and vitamins get lodged in the back of his throat. Screams at small children and old ladies, from the safety of his car. Once had a drink bought for him by Tommy Stinson. Has a toe that clicks. It's annoying.
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To be honest, I’d buy that by the truckload, I happen to be a fan of such things. You know that Birthday Party ice cream? That stuff is delicious. And I swallow gum myself, yet to get any gremlins though.
By the way, the 7 years thing is a myth, I doubt someone took a crap and said “Hey, there’s that spearmint gum I bought from Sears back in 2001!”. It goes through your system just fine.
LOL. Eating ice cream and chewing gum at the same time requires some coordination. This is just one of those treats that you can keep on enjoying. Eat the ice cream first and in the process, move the little chew gum nuggets to one side of your mouth. Then, after the ice cream is done, begin working on the gum and savor the flavor. Just that simple.
My brother and sister would LOVE that ice cream. Me on the other hand, I am not a huge fan of bubble gum. I don’t think I would like to have it be pieces in the ice cream and then you have to either spit it out or swallow it. I wouldn’t be opposed to it being completely flavored with bubble gum but not have the chunks in there.
The biggest advantage of having an ice cream is that one has to spit out the awful gum you are chewing.I hate chewing gum but at times, I am watching some game and someone offers me one,trouble starts.At times I accept and then that torture of chewing it lasts for quite sometime.Ice cream on such occasions gives me the relief of spitting out the gum.Probably I would refrain from the bubble gum ice cream.
I did try out the “bubble gum ice cream” once, and God forsaken that was the last time. I couldn’t agree with you more on the irony of the concept of this “eatable” ( or is it a chewable?) itself. I’m sure back to the good old ice cream, for good.
I cannot try this man. As i am not good at this, i will fail. And by the way what will happen if we swallow the bubble gum? Has anyone experienced it? My friend did it once. But nothing really happened. During my early ages, my sister would threatened me saying that if i swallow, then i need to operated. I would chuckle on this comment now.
You know I feel this way about cookie dough ice cream. I mean if you think about it, it’s pretty darn gross, its dough! yuk! But I’ve been thinking on this buble gum ice cream. Maybe it’s like the bubble gum flavor popsicle with a gumball at the end of the popsicle… but then again I could be, I mostly am wrong.
There are just somethings that do not belong in ice cream, maybe because of all the weird flavors and things that have come out, that is why I stopped eating ice cream. I guess it goes to show you that they will truly do anything for a buck or three. How much is this stuff anyway, I think the price of ice cream at least the good stuff is starting to get outrageous.
I had the problem with the Emotional Eating. And I prefered to eat ice cream to make things better in the complicated situations of my life. The worst part about emotional eating is that you’re creating the pyramid of problems which consists of weight gain, guilt about eating and worsening health. It was very hard for me to overcome my Emotional Eating and since that time I do not like ice cream and I try to avoid all the information about ice cream.