Earlier today (so much earlier that it was, in fact, yesterday), I received a work-related chain email with suggestions for simple and clever ways to save on money and/or energy and/or fuel, along with a plea to suggest some of my own. You know, standard hippie stuff. Anyway, in the spirit of being green, I am recycling my reply to that email into a blog posting, because it is both earth friendly and saves me the effort of thinking of something else to write about. Everyone wins! Especially me!

• Save gas while driving by using the brake pedal instead of the gas. Because brake fluid is much less expensive than gasoline.

• Looking for a more efficient, less expensive means for heating your house? Set it on fire! You only have to do it once and afterwards, you’ll never have to worry about heating your house up ever again!

To save on gas, do the same with your car.

• The record levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is a major contributor to global warming. It is a little known fact that birds breathe in valuable oxygen and replace it with deadly carbon dioxide. Perform a carbon offset by going home tonight and killing as many birds as you can.

• Unscrew the light bulb in the back of your fridge. Because for all you know, that little bastard could be burning 24 hours a day. Prove me wrong.

• Cut back on the number of days a week you wear pants. Pants are one of the biggest wastes of energy in modern society.

• You could save a lot of money and energy by walking or biking instead of driving a car, but you’d save even more money and energy by staying right where you are now and holding perfectly still.

• If you’re not looking at your computer monitor right now, turn it off. Turn it back on when you need to view something. If you’re not using your keyboard or mouse, unplug it. Plug it back in when you need it again. Keep doing these steps the entire time you surf the web, constantly plugging and unplugging and turning things on and off again. Think of how much energy you’re saving!

• Save money on buying fast food by eating your money instead. Because a one dollar bill is just as satisfying as a ten or a twenty would be. Better yet, switch to an entirely coin-based diet. It’ll provide your body with necessary minerals and iron.

• On average, your lights burn more electricity than any other appliance in your household. Circumvent their usage by developing the homing signals of a bat. Now not only do you not need light bulbs anymore, but you can also easily hunt prey in the dead of night. Grow functional wings for even more energy efficiency/awesomeness.

• A good tip for saving money on your heating and cooling bills is by practicing body hair maintenance. During the winter when it’s cold, grow your body hair out to crazed hermit levels. Then, during the summer, pluck every single hair off of your body. Since it costs you nothing to grow and remove your own hair, you can use the money you save to pay people to hang out with you, after your friends have forsaken you after assuming you have lost your damn mind.

• Writing long, smart-ass lists of ideas for how to save energy is a serious waste of energy. If you happen to be doing that right now, desist doing it immediately.