As Nate already wrote about previously, the weekend before last was my brother’s wedding; an event at which pretty much every single person who’s ever written for this site was in attendance for. I happened to be the Best Man, which was the first and possibly last time that the words “best” and “man” were ever used as descriptors for yours truly. If you, yourself, have never had the honor of being a Best Man, you should know that it carries with it a large amount of duties. Kind soul that I am, I will share with you now what these duties entail, according to my online research. And because I’m feeling self-reflective, I also graded myself on my own performance of said duties. Since I don’t believe in shades of grey, the only two judgments I’ve passed upon myself are WIN or EPIC FAIL. You either win big or go home in my house, baby.

Organize the bachelor party. Don’t be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out — most guys don’t mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind — the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash.

As the Best Man, it falls upon you to organize an outing for the groom a day or two before the wedding where a large amount of things are supposed to occur that will result in the wedding not happening. Or, failing that, you can do Laser Tag. Because Laser Tag is awesome. And honestly, who doesn’t want to do awesome things before they get married? No one I know, that’s for sure.

Serve as the groom’s personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part).

Let it be known that I serve no man. If he needed a personal aide and adviser, he should’ve done what I did and rented a helper monkey before the wedding. That chimp worked his ass off making sure all the arrangements were taken of and that I got to the church on time. He did such a good job, in fact, that I almost regretted cooking and eating him after the wedding. God bless his dead, delicious heart.

Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear, and coordinate the other groomsmen’s rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen.

Yeah, if this one had been up to me, chances are pretty good I wouldn’t have picked out an all brown tuxedo for me to wear. But as it turns out, I happen to look quite dapper in brown. Check it out.

All those years wasted.

Attend the rehearsal with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you’re supposed to walk down that aisle.

Here’s the list I made up based on personal experience of ways you’re not supposed to walk down the aisle: Backwards, on your knees, on your hands, in someone else’s hands, riding a horse, riding a dog, cartwheeling, projectile vomiting, in a little shriner’s car, fistfighting, moonwalking, hopscotching, knocking over chairs Godzilla-style, or without pants. WRITE ALL THESE DOWN.

Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride’s ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don’t have holes) — you don’t want to fumble around when it’s time to whip it out.

Because this is a serious column, I’m going to avoid the temptation to “that’s what she said” that last line. Instead, I will state that this one was a potential FAIL, which I turned into a WIN by being smarter than myself. See, the pockets of my tuxedo turned out to either be precariously thin or, in the case of my front pockets, completely fake. Why a tuxedo needs fake pockets, I’m not certain. I guess they want the tuxedos to look classy enough to have pockets without actually going to the expense of making pockets. Anyway, with visions of me desperately tugging at the ring boxes to remove them from my jacket pocket dancing in my hood, I decided to, for once, do the sensible thing. So I kept the rings in my mouth until it was time, and then spit them into the minister’s waiting hand. Who’s laughing now, Universe? Huh?

Corral the other groomsmen and make sure they’re performing their duties.

I want to grade myself well here, but since at least two of the groomsmen are no longer with us, I guess I can’t really claim success at this one. That reminds me, I really should apologize to their families. Poor bastards.

Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor.

Fun Fact: Did you know that if you, as the witness, sign the marriage certificate with a fake name, it automatically invalidates the contract and voids the marriage entirely? Well, you might not know that, but my brother’s gonna find out someday, the same day that he discovers that his Best Man was apparently Howard the Duck.

Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom’s responsibility) just after the ceremony.

The very first time I ordered a pizza as a long lad, I ended up stiffing the delivery guy because I was unaware that they were supposed to be tipped. Well, this was kind of the same situation. Needless to say, I feel just horrible about the whole thing.

You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins.

THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. Thus denying me the one opportunity I was ever going to have to be introduced on a microphone when I entered a room. God, that would’ve been sweet.

Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances.

I didn’t have a chance to dance with the “honor attendant” at the wedding, being as I don’t know what that is. But I did dance with the bride at the end of the dollar dance, seeing that the Maid of Honor and I were enlisted to oversee the dollar dance, and I ran out of people in my line halfway through the last song. So rather than letting her finish the last song stooped over dancing with a couple of five-year-old girls, I did the honorable thing and jumped in. So that’s a WIN, even if I’m not entirely certain if I paid my dollar or not.

Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest — and probably most frightening — duty. Remember the cardinal rule: Mum’s the word on the bachelor bacchanalia.

I don’t actually know what bacchanalia is, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t come up during my speech. Other things that didn’t come up included my dinner, which was also a net positive. Did I do well with my toast? Well, I don’t like to brag, but I did hear the words “awesome” and “awe-inspiring” an awful lot through the rest of the night. But you can be the judge for yourself.

Collect any gift envelopes guests bring to the reception. You may be asked to deposit them in the couple’s bank account or at least to keep them until the couple returns from their honeymoon.

I got the first part right. As for the second part, I don’t think I’ll be able to deposit the money any time soon, per se, but I will be able to provide the bride and groom with a briefcase filled with IOUs, and those are as good as money, if not better.

Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one.

Again, this one remained on my blissfully unaware list, which was a shame really, since the other groomsmen were unable to find the groom’s car in the parking lot, so they trashed his hotel room instead. If you had a list of all the things you wanted to do on your wedding night, chances are good “Removing clothes hangers from the pillow sheets” doesn’t rank too high on it.

Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you’ll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset.

You know, I offered to take them to the airport, but they just kept protesting with their lame “We live in Bismarck” protestations. But because I demand to go out with a WIN, I did the Best Man thing and clubbed them both over the head with the bluntest object I had handy. I really should get them out of my trunk as soon as possible, but rest assured that when I do get around to it, you can believe they’ll be on their way to goddamn Zimbabwe.

Okay, so from the looks of it, I sucked big as a Best Man. But the wedding itself was incredible, and besides my own wedding, it was the best that I think I’ve ever attended, let alone been a part of. So for my last official Best Man obligation, I am now publicly wishing Kelly and Annette a long and happy life together with each other. I’m proud of you two, and speaking for me and Jessy, Mom and Dad and Dave and Erin, we’re very blessed that our family is now finally complete.

Except for the kids. But that’s a subject for another day.

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