I don’t very often get the chance to break BIG NEWS on this blog, but today I do have what would qualify as BIG NEWS. It might even qualify as BIG BIG NEWS, depending on your outlook. So here it is:

I’m having a baby.

Wait, you know what I think that needs? Bigger font size. And some ALL CAPS, and maybe just a little bolding. Let’s try that again.

I’M HAVING A BABY!!!!!

So much better.

Over the 4th of July weekend, my wife and I found out that she’s about three weeks pregnant. This will be our first child, and needless to say, we’re both at the levels of excitement usually reserved for fans of Super Bowl-winning sports teams and crazy people. But of course, as any expectant parent can tell you, there are many, many things to worry about. For me, the primary concern I’m having at the moment is sticking my child with some of my particular brand of genetic shortcomings. These include the following:

1. Giant head.

I have a huge melon. This has caused me a certain amount of difficulty in my life, not the least of which is trying to buy hats. If possible, it would be nice to spare my child of living a life with an overgrown head. It’s no fun being continuously mistaken for a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. And being that she’s the one who has to do the whole “giving birth” thing, I know my wife would certainly be grateful for a smaller head. It’ll save on epidural costs.

2. Freakishly tiny hands.

This really won’t be too much of a problem if it’s a girl, as when a girl has small hands, they’re referred to as dainty. But if it’s a boy, he’d best be prepared to a life of being treated as he’s in the circus. You generally just learn to keep your hands in your pockets as much as possible. There are benefits to smaller hands, however, such as having the ability to wash out the insides of glasses, and the capacity for having a fair fist fight with a chipmunk.

3. Delusions of grandeur.

I just worry that if my kid is half as handsome as I am, that it might be difficult for him/her to make their way through life without making other people insanely jealous. Fortunately, if they have my intelligence and rational sense, they won’t care about other people’s opinons any more than I do.

4. Arachnid superpowers.

The downside of having the proportionate strengths of a spider and the ability to shoot webbing out a gland in my palm is that with great power comes great something or other. Also, fighting crime takes up a lot of time that could be better devoted to watching television and playing Wii. So for the sake of my child, I certainly hope that he/she isn’t cursed with the same crime fighting powers that I am, if for no other reason that I really don’t need the competition.

5. Webbed feet.

I don’t think I really need to explain this one.

Truth be told, despite the above listed nonsense-as-usual, I have very few fears about what my child will end up being like. If it has even a fraction of my wife’s gentle heart and radiating beauty, and maybe just a little bit of its old man’s creativity, then we’ll have the greatest kid this world’s ever seen. But even if it doesn’t, it’ll still be the greatest kid ever, because that’s just how it works. So even though I would prefer that my kid didn’t have his dad’s bushy Russian eyebrows or proclivity for writing long, droning blog entries, the first time I have the privilege of meeting my first born child, I swear the only thing I’m going to see is flawless perfection.

I have no idea what my kid is going to be like, but I’m telling you now, I can barely wait to find out.