I’m officially designating my dog, Boof, as the official dog of this site. I can do so because of all my bold vision.

Boof and I were walking through the state Capitol grounds no longer than an hour ago, and we are practicing our winter tracking skills. What follows is the imaginary conversation Boof and I had as he pulled me off the sidewalk into the snow for the fourth time, this day.

Me: What now, Boof?

Boof: I’m tracking a coyote.

Me: You are not tracking a goddamn coyote.

Boof: Who in the blue hell do you think you are, anyway? Basset hounds have the second-strongest noses, behind bloodhounds, in the whole doggy kingdom. And you, the hairless ape, with your crooked nose six feet in the goddamned air, are going to tell me, with my super sniffer, that I don’t smell coyote here?

Me: I’m not using my nose, you furry midget. As you can see, the ground is covered with snow. And I can tell, just by looking at the path you are now following, that those footprints are not coyote. They are human.

Boof: Bullshit, Tall Guy (he thinks my name is Tall Guy).

Me: If you look clearly, you can see the distinct impression of boot treads in these tracks. Coyotes don’t wear boots.

Boof: Oh, well. Don’t care. I’m still going to sniff at it for 12 minutes, then pee on it.

Me: Fair enough.

Join us again next time, for the further adventures of Noodle Dog and his witless owner.