So as any nerd reading this can tell you (Nerd call-out: What up, nerds!), the iPhone 3g came out this last week and, like its predecessor, inspired long lines of impatient dorks to line up outside AT&T dealers nationwide (and by nationwide, I mean everywhere but North Dakota, as we have neither AT&T cellular service nor anything Apple-related). If you’ve never seen a long line of nerds waiting to buy an iPhone before, please refer to the following video of a news anchor with plastic hair filing a puff piece for the five o’clock news berating other people for the triviality of their lives:

My favorite part of the video was the part where, when quizzed on his own phone, the asshole pulls a Blackberry out of his pocket. A fucking Blackberry. You pull that plastic piece of shit out of your pocket and you feel you have the right to make fun of someone else’s choice of phone? Exactly how many balls do you have?

Anyway, believe it or not, I’m not actually here to make fun of either the news media or people who would wait three days in line to buy an iPhone upgrade for the iPhone they just bought last year. Rather, what I am here to do is the same thing that I did last year - gnash and grind my teeth over my own inability to buy an iPhone and ultimately, to delude myself and all of you into thinking that I don’t need a damn iPhone anyway.

Last year, I did manage to prove that my LG Orange enV was superior to the iPhone based on its orangeness. This year, however, if the iPhone 3g is an improvement over the original iPhone, then I need to upgrade my own phone to stay competitive. Unfortunately for me, the braintrusts at LG chose to upgrade the enV by turning it into a calculator. As I already have a perfectly operational calculator in my Casio wristwatch, this is obviously not an option for me. So, the task falls upon me to upgrade my own phone by myself. But how? Surely, the best way to beat Apple at their game is to add even more options to my existing phone, options not currently available to iPhone users. But how? How?

And then it hit me.

The greatest idea I’ve ever had.

VIOLA! Marvel at my phone and then weep pathetically, dweebs. The idea came to me when I realized that my orange enV and my orange Leatherman were the only two things that I ever used for anything. Which is why I previously carried them with me everywhere I went in their matching black leather holsters.

Ah, they’re adorable. Just like brothers.

And then, one day, as I was leaving the Pizza Hut Express at the local Target, lost in thought as to how I could ultimately crush Steve Jobs’ head like an acorn, I didn’t notice that my Leatherman had slipped off of my belt and onto the floor behind me. Fortunately, a lady behind me noticed and kindly yelled out to me, “Sir, you dropped your cell phone!” I looked behind me and saw my Leatherman laying on the dirty Target floor and replied, “Than you, random passing stranger, but that is actually a Leatherman and not technically a cell phone…” And then it hit me, what if it was? What if it was a cell phone?

With that thought bouncing around inside my skull like a pinball, I rushed home to my basement and began furiously putting my mad dream to life. Five days of hard labor later, I finally perfected the fusion technology. So now, what you’re looking at is the very nadir of technology. There can be no upgrades to this phone ever, as it is already technically perfect. Sure, your iPhone may be able to surf the web, and play music, and synch with your computer, but my phone can do all of that plus open a bottle. Can you open a bottle with your iPhone? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Never before has the world seen something as beautiful as this. So techie. So streamlined. So orange. I need fear no longer, as the workhorses at Apple cannot ever possibly top this. Screw the iPhone. Behold the genius of my ePhone. My life finally has meaning.

Now all I need to do is figure out how not to stab myself in the head when I’m answering my phone.