I am intimately familiar with the Angry White Man(1), and I have been inspired by Gary Hubbell to lend a voice to this forgotten and silenced voting bloc(2). The Angry White Man is, as Gary so truthily puts it, “almost in fear of losing [his] constitutional rights through political correctness”.

This election, we have the historic opportunity to elect a white man as President of the United States. Yet, for troubling reasons, many Americans are paying serious attention to two sinister and power-hungry candidates who aren’t white men and who have succeeded in warping what this process is all about.

These candidates make all the special interest groups swoon. Their very presence this 2008 primary season has led to nation-wide discussions on race and gender, while putting real issues that affect real people on the back-burner. Employment discrimination, racial profiling, and unequal representation in government don’t affect real people. On the other hand, killing Muslims, protecting microscopic Americans, keeping out illegals, preserving the sanctity of marriage and ending entitlement programs (which in contrast have nothing to do with race and gender) are issues that real people want to see out in the forefront.

If all this victimhood special interest crap stays in the liberal media for too long, next thing you know transgendered and disabled people are going to want rights too. And then dogs and next earth worms. Where are these rights going to come from? Why, they are going to be taken away from the Angry White Man and handed on a silver platter to fringe freaks such as these. Good thing he has a gun to defend himself.

Mind you, the Angry White Man is not a racist, chauvinist, homophobe or whathaveyou, but the phrase “marginalized community” (code for victimhood-identity-politics-mongerers) makes him want to run to the bathroom to vomit.

HELLO, America is a Meritocracy, where all people are judged solely on their skills and abilities! And treated accordingly! The AMW is colorblind, as are all of America’s beloved institutions. Any suggestion that they are not is unpatriotic and makes the AMW apoplectic. The facts that black infant mortality is over twice that of white infants, that women get paid 3/4 of what men do though they work longer each day, that chronic diseases affect minorities disproportionately, that gay students are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide, just prove what the Angry White Man is saying. Women and minorities, having less experience with the responsibilities of full citizenship than Angry White Men, don’t know how to behave appropriately. And when they screw their lives up, as data shows they inevitably will, they will come to him, begging at his door for more hand-outs.

When the Angry White Man treats their begging for handouts with disdain, he is judging them based not on prejudice, but on their merit (or lack thereof): inability to be born Angry White Men. Our country offers a level playing field to all its citizens, and it seems that certain groups want to tip the balance in their favor by changing the rules. The AWM staunchly supports the status quo as the only way to keep the game fair.

The AWM is personally unfamiliar with hand-outs and entitlements, because everything he has earned he earned alone, by the sweat of his own brow. He had no extra leg up, though historically speaking his kind have always had political, social and economic power, because history means nothing to him. Being fair-minded, the AWM does not care what your history is, only that you live up to his expectation that you behave just like him in order to be treated equally.

The Angry White Man is concerned that confused voters will miss this opportunity to vote for an AWM President like John McCain without realizing that we have only had 43 white male presidents! We haven’t even had 50 white male presidents, and yet here are voters seriously considering electing a black man or a white woman. Next thing you know, voters indoctrinated with affirmative-action-electioneering hogwash will go and vote in a black woman president. Just what we need, a Black Power matriarchy. And then who will be thinking of the white men? This once mighty demographic will languish in the background of a madhouse run not by people, but by minority special interest cartels.

(1) I do not intend to single only men out for my razor-sharp humor. I apologize to anyone who is upset that ‘Pumpkin Balls’ is so closely followed by this piece. In fact, neither piece is intended to satirize all men, but instead a small subset thereof. I will turn to other topics in the future, do not worry.

(2) Unapologetic Mexican does an amazing send up (take down?) of Gary’s piece.

(c) idyllicmollusk 4/7/08