I’ve always been a bit of an amateur linguist. I love language and learning about it’s origins, not to mention the differences and similarities across the spectrum of tongues that separate and link us all. So, running across an article purporting to contain the findings of researchers that have found the oldest English words makes me a little more giddy than most people. Perhaps too giddy. I should probably sit down, now.

Turns out, these super-nerds have discovered that the oldest unchanged words in the English language are “two”, three”, “I” & “we.” Awesome. Now I know, and knowledge, if NBC circa 1988 is any guide, is power. I’ve also imbued you, the reader, with this new power. Feel it course through your veins. Grrrr…so much power.

But, with every great discovery comes an equally great let-down. Or, at least that’s the case here. It seems that the group that found out the oldest words in our language have a computer program that can analyze the rate of change of words in the English language. This program has some bad news for us English speakers. We’re about to lose some words in the near future.

The team says it can predict which words are likely to become extinct – citing “squeeze”, “guts”, “stick” and “bad” as probable first casualties.

Shit. I like those words. Especially “guts.”

My ability to talk about gutsy performances or any reference of animal slaughter will be severely curtailed. And I talk about animal slaughter a lot. Perhaps too much for some people, but I have to be true to myself.

No more will we be able to refer to our significant others as our “main squeeze.” Gymnasts will no longer “stick” a landing. The AMC hit show “Breaking Bad” will have to change it’s name, because we simply won’t understand what the hell the “Breaking” is doing.

This is all so very confusing.

So, I’m starting a resistance to the loss of these classic English words. I urge you all to join me. Use “squeeze,” “guts,” “stick” and “bad” as often as you can. Slip them into conversation whether they fit or not. Use them in letters that you write to your grandparents and birthday cards that you send to friends. Twitter them. Blog them. Make use of them in instant messages to your online buddies. Do not let them die! Don’t give up! Don’t give in! Never admit defeat! Even if we all end up sounding like we’re speaking gibberish, we shall not let these English words die! Let this cause embiggen the world around you. It’s a perfectly cromulent thing to do, not just as an English speaker, but as a human being. Excelsior!

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