I’m guessing you’re all like me, on pins and needles about how this whole Election thing is going to end up. After all, Election 2008 to this point has been, in a word, bugfuck nuts. So what kind of crazy chicanery are we all in store for in the next week to come? Fortunately for you all, I happen to know the answer. Don’t ask me how I know, but I will now reveal how this year’s election will end. SPOILER ALERT: If you don’t want to have the ending ruined for you, I suggest you stop reading right about now.

THURSDAY, October 29 – After having viewed one of the candidates’ paid advertisement being simulcast on seven broadcast networks, the entire country falls in love with the story and the campaign of one man who claims that he can bring this country the change it so desperately needs – RALPH NADER.

Nader’s poll numbers immediately triple. To .05%.

John McCain takes his attack ads against Barack Obama to unprecedented new levels with the release of a new ad, pointing out to a stunned nation that Barack Obama’s initials are B.O. “Can this nation afford a President with the same initials as Body Odor?” the advertisement asks. “Vote for John McCain, because J.M. doesn’t mean anything that we know of.”

Sarah Palin nearly chokes to death on a piece of wax fruit.

FRIDAY, October 31 – Barack Obama unveils to a stunned nation his Halloween costume – William Ayers. When reached for comment, Obama replies, “Yeah, do something about it.” Obama’s poll numbers go up three points.

The McCain campaign unveils a new robo call in five battleground states, recorded by John McCain himself. In the call, McCain rambles on for approximately five minutes on a neighbor of his who one time, maybe fifteen years ago, had one of his cows wander over into the yard of one of McCain’s twenty-three houses, and how they must’ve spent at least three hours trying to get the damn thing out but it just wouldn’t move, up until finally McCain lost his temper and punched that cow right in the face, and wouldn’t you know it the son-of-a-bitch just up and wandered out. Once completing his anecdote, McCain fumbles with the tape recorder for a while, fails to turn it off, and then accidentally records the sounds of himself going to take a bathroom break.

Joe Biden gives a three-hour speech on the time his good friend John McCain punched one of his cows in the face, somehow ending with the conclusion that Barack Obama would launch nuclear warheads at Bulgaria within three months of being elected. The McCain campaign turns it into an attack ad within fifteen minutes.

SATURDAY, November 1 – Barack Obama makes campaign stops in Florida, North Carolina, Iowa, Missouri, Pennsylvania, and two simultaneous stops in Ohio, during which at one point two Barack Obamas appear on camera at the exact same time. A stunned nation than discovers that Barack Obama is actually an alien race of Barack Obamas from a planet 1,800 light years away, who have come to this planet to infiltrate the major world governments and seize control of the world, with the goal of ultimately destroying it along with all the other planets located in the Milky Way galaxy to make way for the universe’s largest strip mall. Obama’s poll numbers go up another two points.

Unwilling to cede any ground, the McCain campaign announces that John McCain is some kind of a lizard man.

Sarah Palin nearly chokes to death on that same piece of wax fruit.

Bob Barr’s mustache challenges the Barack Obama alien race and John McCain lizard man to a debate the night before the election. Both campaigns decline, although both express amazement on having heard a mustache talk like that.

SUNDAY, November 2 – Determined to make up lost ground, John McCain swears to himself that he will spend all day Sunday campaigning his ass off and, by gum, today’s the day he finally catches up and gives himself an honest chance of winning. After about two hours of campaigning, he gets tired and tells himself he’ll lay down for just five minutes, just to refresh himself, and then back to work. He wakes up at midnight, curses himself out, and then goes back to bed.

OCTOBER SURPRISE! Osama bin Laden releases a tape to Al Jazerra with him endorsing the campaign of John McCain. A stunned nation divines from what they know of bin Laden: Is he the sort of man who would endorse the man he wanted to win or the man he didn’t want to win? Now, a clever man would endorse the man he didn’t want to win because he would know that only a great fool would vote for the man he endorsed. Since the American public are not great fools, they cannot vote for the man bin Laden endorses. But he may have known that the American people were not great fools, so they can clearly not vote for the man Osama didn’t endorse! Feeling very confused, George W. Bush declares a land war in Asia to keep himself busy for the next couple days.

MONDAY, November 3 – On the eve of the Presidential election, Obama throws caution to the wind and actually shows up at the White House to, in fact, measure the drapes. George Bush excitedly obliges, and afterwards tells Laura how exciting it was to have Will Smith actually come to meet him at his house.

Joe Biden gives a speech in Raleigh, North Carolina completely in the nude. The McCain campaign get halfway through turning it into an attack ad before giving up in despair, eating half a box of Mallomars in one sitting, and then all driving home en masse.

TUESDAY, November 4 – A stunned nation trudges to the polls to cast their votes. As the night progresses, state after state is called for Barack Obama, until he finally appears on camera to deliver his victory speech. Halfway through, he calls the president of ACORN to the podium to thank him for his help in “enforcing” the win. They shake hands and the ACORN president stands aside while Obama continues his speech, only to have the ACORN president pull out a steel chair and hit Obama over the head with it. IT’S A DOUBLE CROSS! John McCain runs out onto the stage and he and the ACORN president proceed to kick the prone Obama over and over as the crowd boos. All of the remaining states are called for McCain and the night ends in an exact tie.

WEDNESDAY, November 5 – A stunned nation awakes to the news. “Ah, not this shit again,” they reply before trudging off to see Madagascar 2. The Obama campaign declares their intent to fight to their last man. John McCain declares how very, very tired he is.

THURSDAY, November 6 – Hillary Clinton and her army of supporters emerge from their five-month seclusion in the Appalachian mountains to take advantage of the confusion and seize the reins of power. The coup is almost successful, up until emergency cheesecake rations are flown in to pacify the invaders. Hillary is, understandably, pretty pissed off.

FRIDAY, November 7 – Using his extraordinary depths of knowledge in Constitutional intricacies, President Bush makes an argument for a third Bush term. His case is thrown out, however, when it is revealed that he used the wrong shade of purple crayon to write up his summation.

Although technically any electoral ties are supposed to be decided by a vote in the House of Representatives, it is decided to let the Supreme Court pick the President (again) because, hey, why not. This too ends in a tie when, in the midst of deliberations, Judge Samuel Alito splits into two separate entities, the Good Samuel Alito and the Evil Samuel Alito. Following the verdict, Evil Samuel Alito eats Good Samuel Alito and balance is restored to the Supreme Court.

SATURDAY, November 8 – With the Presidency still undecided, it is announced that the winner will be decided by an American Idol-style phone-in vote. Sarah Palin is elected the new President of the United States.

TUESDAY, January 20 – Russia looks at Todd Palin funny. War is declared. Everybody dies horribly.

Now wasn’t that fun? But again, this doesn’t have to be the future. It can still be prevented, but only if I can find Billy Simpkins of Westchester, Pennsylvania before midnight tonight and eliminate him. He is the cause of all that is to come. So wish me luck with that. See you tommorow. Hopefully.

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