If I’ve seemed a bit more distant as of recently, there’s a reason for it. I’ve been struggling with one of those questions about myself that I just can’t seem to answer. But since I have a blog and, from what I’ve seen on the Internet, most people use their blogs to write long drawn-out meditations on their internal conflicts, I thought I’d do the same now and share my inner turmoil with the world wide web at large. So here goes:

Why do I have eyebrows?

No, seriously. What the hell, right? Why exactly was it that when my DNA was determining all of my necessary bodily appendages and accoutrements, the decision was made that what I really needed was two thick patches of hair directly above my eye sockets? Isn’t there a better usage for body hair than in that section? I noticed I have no hair to speak of on the forehead area directly above my eyebrows. Why not spread the wealth around?

And yes, I am the only person on earth who would prefer to have hair covering his forehead as opposed to eyebrows. Pleased to meet you.

I talked to my wife about it, and she assures me that they are there to protect my eyeballs from falling sweat, which also seems to be the scientific consensus. But I don’t know. That answer seems almost too perfect, which almost means that it has to be wrong. And besides, protecting my eyeballs is why I have eyelids. I don’t need two levels of defenses. I’m not that afraid of my own sweat.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I shaved my eyebrows off. And now I’m not sure if I can go to work tomorrow, because I look like an insane person. So there’s the answer. The reason you have eyebrows is so that you don’t appear to be insane. I just wish I’d figured that out sooner.