For those of you who read The Expatriate Act (which you should, because it’s written by me and is, therefore, better than anything you could possibly write), you may be aware that I went on blogger’s strike around the same time that the Hollywood writers went on strike. The end result was that my family ended up starving without all my sweet Tribune blogger’s revenue coming in, I got corns on my feet from all the marching in circles in front of my computer, and I ended up firing myself from my own blog. So hurt feelings all around. But the important thing was that I made a stand for nothing in particular. All I asked for was the chance to fail, which is all I ended up receiving and all I ended up doing.

But now, would you just look at this YouTube video that Nate just emailed me?

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Hollywood corporate bigwigs weren’t cutting me a fair share of my blogger’s rights, now my idea of going on a blogger’s strike is being stolen from me by people who know how to upload videos to YouTube? This shit ain’t gonna fly. If my very ideas are being taken from me, then I honestly have nothing left. It’s time for me to make a stand.

So I guess I’m going back on strike. And this time, my demands are crystal clear. From this point on, no one is ever allowed to blog on the same subjects that I choose to blog on. You got that, jerks? No more blogs on any of the following subjects:

• Monkeys
• Monkeys with guns
• Lindsay Lohan
• Amusing work anecdotes
• Top ten lists
• Bottom ten lists
• That Chocolate Rain guy
• Things that annoy me
• Your grandmother

Are you listening to me, Internet? No more infringing on my ideas! I’m calling dibs!