As I mentioned earlier elsewhere, my office Christmas party was yesterday. Also, as I mentioned earlier elsewhere, a mystery game was planned; one where I, member of the illustrious Team 6, planned to rain down death and destruction upon all competitors. This is the tale of my complete pwnage of my victims. It is a tale that will be told for many years to come. It is a tale that only a writer of my blogging stature could hope to tell. As such, it is written liveblog style, after the jump.

Jump.

3:30 - Six teams of three (and one team of four) gather in the conference room. An air of competitive hostility lingers in the air. This has nothing to do with the upcoming festivities, however, as it is only being emitted by me, and I’m just kinda like that all the time.

3:32 - The rules of the game are announced. It’s a scavenger hunt. A list of activities to be performed is handed out, which all must be done in an hour’s time. Also handed out are reindeer antlers for all players to wear as they play, as apparently an important rule of the game is that everyone playing must look like a tool.

3:40 - As the teams huddle at the doorway waiting for the game to begin at promptly 3:45 , I silently excuse myself to the coin cup in the break room to find a 2007 coin (worth 1 point). It’s only cheating if you get caught.

3:43 - Back with my 2007 nickel that I found at my desk. Waiting for the arrival of one of my teammates who has gone to fetch a roll of toilet paper (2 points). Game still has not officially started. Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

3:45 - The doors open and the jockeying for position begins. Our team immediately runs into a bearded stoner on the street, which allows us to easily fulfill the requirements for picture of team member high fiving stranger (3 points). Stoners love high fiving.

3:46 - While we have his attention, we’re able to double dip with the stoner by getting him to wear one of our reindeer antlers for one of up to three pictures of strangers wearing reindeer antlers (3 points).

3:47 - Double dip with the stoner. Hmm. That doesn’t sound good.

3:50 - Enter into One World Imports to fulfill criteria for picture of all three teammates wearing festive holiday wear. Finding no Christmasy outfits at One World, a quick phone call is made to see if “festive” necessarily means “related to Christmas.” The verdict is No. Team promptly wraps ourselves in shoals and dress wear. I wear a pork pie hat, just because I want to.

3:52 - Picture of One World Imports cashier wearing reindeer antlers (3 points).

3:55 - Cross the street to get receipt for three drinks at Peacock Alley (5 points). Shots are ordered. Shots are downed. Cross dressing AND drinking. This is a good game.

3:56 - Picture of bartender wearing reindeer antlers (3 points).

3:57 - Group photo is taken with Ugly Edna statue at Peacock Alley (4 points). Edna is wearing reindeer antlers. (3 points?)

4:00 - Another street is crossed as we head to Fiesta Villa for a to-go cup of salsa (3 points) and a Dum Dum sucker (2 points). Items are given to us by a highly pissy cashier, who has apparently already given these same items to at least five other teams, and this is apparently annoying to him, possibly as it has distracted him from his highly important duties serving margaritas to unemployed people.

4:02 - The journey is started to Kirkwood Mall where we are to take a photo of one team member in Santa’s beard, hat and coat sitting on Santa’s chair, with remaining two team members sitting on the arms of the chair (6 points). I am excited, as I assume this will be my first chance of the year to mug Santa Claus and, as a bonus, have it condoned by my place of work (!). This is almost worth walking six blocks through sub-zero temperatures for.

4:04 - Our journey is abruptly halted by a train going through on the train tracks. On the other side of the train, I can see an opposing team on the other side, returning from Kirkwood. As soon as I confirm that they have seen me, I jump into a bush as a longer freight car passes, so that they might get the impression that I’m either a ghost or Batman.

4:07 - The walk to Kirkwood is long and fraught with peril. We lost two teammates along the way. I intend to dedicate my victory to them, as a tribute to their surviving family members.

4:12 - At Kirkwood, I am dissapointed to find out that Santa has the day off, which means I won’t have the opportunity to kick a poorly paid mall worker in the head and take his wallet. Damn. Instead, we only get to jump the fence into Santa’s area and steal his clothes, which is still moderately illegal and, thus, moderately enjoyable.

4:14 - As I change into my Santa outfit, I am pestered by a crazy old man who, minutes earlier, had posed in another team’s photo as a stranger in Santa photo wearing reindeer antlers (1 bonus point). Crazy old man wants to know if all of these people breaking into Santa’s area and taking photos is for a TV show, and thus, if his participation in these activities mean that the government will be able to find him and take his memories. Maybe I will get to kick someone in the head after all.

4:16 - I fulfill another lifelong dream by dressing like Santa and flashing gang signs in a photo. As we leave, we steal a booklet Santa gives to kids (1 point). My goal of being a jackass as much as possible during the game is being slightly tempered by the fact that the rules are encouraging me to do so.

4:20 - Team 6 splits up as we leave to get the last thing left on the list - photo of a Canadian license plate. One teammate goes out at Marshall Field’s, another at Herberger’s and I head for Scheels.

4:32 - Running through the Kirkwood parking lot in subzero temperatures looking for a specific kind of license plate turns out to be nowhere near as much fun as one would think. Stupid Canadians. Any other day, I’m practically tripping over them, but first time I actually need one for something, they’re off somewhere else eating bacon and drinking their inferior beer.

4:35 - Finally find a Saskatchewan plate. I kneel behind the car and take a picture of the plate up close with my camera phone.

4:37 - Chased through the Scheel’s parking lot by a fat, angry Saskatchewanner with a switchblade.

4:39 - Journey back to the office begins. We have 6 minutes to get there before we are disqualified.

4:45 - After running six blocks in the cold with a flu virus I’ve been fighting for two weeks already, we get back just in time and I am probably going to die in misery.

4:49 - As we wait for the results to be announced, I overhear coworkers debating the qualifications of hot buttered rum shots. I wonder what the hell they’re talking about.

4:51 - Another read-through of the list shows that we had missed bonus point for three drinks at Peacock if drinks are either hot buttered rum shots or eggnog-related (1 point). I put my head through a computer monitor (no points).

4:55 - Scores are announced. Various other teams are docked points for not adhering closely to the hot buttered rum shots, removing their reindeer antlers, and trying to pass off a flattened Hershey’s Kiss as a 2007 coin. As such, Team 6 is one of four teams in a tie for first. Tiebreaker is determined to be a dance-off.

Team 6 doing what it does best - kicking ass and taking names. I’m the one taking names.

4:57 - After realizing that all workers at the agency are white and rhythmless, dance-off is changed to Christmas Trivia Challenge. Five questions are asked.

1. What 12-year-old singer originally sang “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”?
2. In The Twelve Days of Christmas, what gift is there eleven of?
3. On “It’s A Wonderful Life,” what part of George Bailey’s house is broken?
4. How many people are hospitalized annually for overeating during the holidays?
5. On Hee-Haw, who was a-pickin’ and who was a-grinnin’?

Despite the fact that our team answers the first question with Charlotte Church (which really should have disqualified us immediately on account of its degree of wrongness), we get four out of five questions right. All other teams only manage three right. Team 6 owns all.
5:00 - With our deserved victory comes the spoils of $50 Kirkwood Mall gift cards each. I begin an elaborate victory dance which, if the dance-off had gone off as planned, would have won me that too. I’m just that awesome.

From this point on, elaborately planned games were abandoned in favor of meatballs, deer sausage and lots and lots of booze. As a result of the contest, there was a large amount of gathered Dum Dum suckers, containers of salsa and toilet paper. The suckers were sucked, the salsa eaten, and I claimed the toilet paper to do what comes most naturally to me.

I TPed the shit out of everyone’s offices.

So victory was mine and I had asserted my dominance over the office once and for all. So, of course, the office felt the need for revenge.

Yuk it up, you bastards. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still awesome. And no matter how many times you may refer to me as Erik “Angel Soft” Hagen, I’ll still know in my heart of hearts that my superior bragging/cheating skills carried the day. And I got a gift card to prove it.