Slapping children in big-box stores isn’t necessarily a habit of mine. Then again, going to big-box stores isn’t a habit of mine, period, but I digress.

I have to admit that, on more than one occasion, I’ve seriously contemplated doing just what Roger Stevens did at a Walmart in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

He slapped around a toddler.

Not his own toddler. Not a relative’s toddler. A complete stranger’s toddler. He gave the stranger fair warning to shut up their mewling spawn and when they inevitably failed to heed his totally reasonable request, he smacked the kid around for being so mewl-y.

Perfectly reasonable, if you ask me.

But the judicial system in Georgia and I don’t see eye-to-eye on this issue (and many others, I assume) and decided to sentence Stevens to one year in prison. Go figure. It probably doesn’t help that Stevens, pictured above, looks exactly like the mental image most people would get if they were told to imagine a “cantankerous old cuss.” He just looks like he wouldn’t hesitate to use a little corporal punishment on a child, if the situation merited it. He also looks like he’s very much at home standing on his perfectly manicured front lawn, yelling at neighbor kids to keep off. He could’ve easily played Clint Eastwood’s role in Gran Torino without so much as an iota of direction from Eastwood himself.

All I can hope is that one day, thirty or so years from now, I’ll end up being half the man that Roger Stevens is. I salute you, sir.

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