As you’re all probably aware, there’s only two shopping days remaining until Festivus. But since it falls on a Sunday and I don’t do weekends, much in the same way that nobody visits the site on weekends, here’s an early Festivus gift. I’ve been preparing my list for the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

• The executives and producers of the entertainment industry, for not properly compensating their writers for their contributions to the narratives of our society. Here’s a request for you gits. If you think writing’s so goddamn easy, why don’t you try it? Don’t hurt yourself in the process.
• The government. The government totally sucks. If I want to sit in my own backyard naked and shooting at airplanes flying overhead, who are you stop me, huh? Bring back the USA!
• Nazis, if for no other reason, giving idiots something to compare people they don’t like with. If you’ve reached the point where you feel the need to refer to your opponent as Adolf Hitler, rest assured you have probably already lost the argument.
• Plastic packaging. I want to find the person who invented the hard plastic packaging used to wrap every single product manufactured today; the packaging that is sauntered together, only comes open with the usage of a bowie knife, leaves behind plastic shards around the lining of the opening and, in most cases, proves to be more durable than the thing it is packaging. I want to find this person so I can knee him in the groin area.
• That special brand of telemarketer who, assuming you’re dumb enough to actually answer your phone, has the gall to have his computer request that you stay on the line long enough for him to pick up. Pure balls, my friends. Pure balls.
• The Internet, for always making damn sure that the first thing that loads on any website you go to is the advertising. Because that’s obviously what I came to the website for, the advertising.
• People who make long lists of things that they hate. What a bunch of drama queens.
• Hillary Clinton. I really, really don’t want to have to vote for a Republican for President even once in my lifetime. Please don’t make me have to.
• The Spears family. At the current rate of reproduction, it is estimated that the Spears family will dominate the human population as soon as 2032. Al Gore, here’s a doomsday scenario you might actually be able to stave off.
• The automatic towel dispenser in the office bathroom. I wave. I jump. I do everything short of cartwheels in front of this sonofabitch with no response whatsoever. But after I resign myself to defeat and wipe my hands off on my shirt (like any professional should), walking out the bathroom triggers out. One of these days, you mechanical bastard. Speaking of which…
• The office bathroom. Closing the door and leaving the fan on does not dissipate the smell you left behind you. It just turns it into a self-contained whirlwind of stench.
• Bob Barker. Oh, that’s right. You better stay retired, old man. I am warning you.
• The auto repair guy. It what sane world does it make any sense that the longer it takes you to fix my car, the more I have to pay you? How about if it takes you an hour, like you said it would, I’ll pay you full price and then, after that, after every minute I deduct five dollars? Certainly sounds fair to me!
• Everybody but me. I am just so tired of you people.

This concludes the Airing of Grievances. We will now move on to the Feats of Strength. Festivus will not end until one of the other bloggers on this site can pin me to the ground.