Lights, please.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. And that’s what Christmas is all about.

But since peace and good will towards men don’t make good subjects for blogs, here’s ten things that are pissing me off this Christmas season.

10. The War On Christmas.

Memo to all of you crazed morons who watch Bill O’Reilly and froth at the mouth over this so-called War On Christmas crap: If you’re that desperate to fight in a war, there’s actually two real ones going on at the moment that you can participate in, rather than pretending that you’re accomplishing something by getting pissy with the Kmart cashier for saying “Happy Holidays” to you. Do us all a favor. Enlist.

On the flip side of the coin, if you’ve ever honestly been offended by someone wishing you a Merry Christmas, please know that this is all entirely your fault.

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9. The Amazing Tipping Tree.

This year’s Hagen Christmas Tree managed to find five different ways of tipping over during its setup, including one near-landing on top of my wife, if not for yours truly leaping three feet forward and grabbing the tree into a bearhug purely on instinct. The idea of cutting down a tree and dragging it into your living room so you can decorate it with intricate glass ornaments and flashing lights is already admittedly a pretty stupid one, but add into that formula the indisputable fact that pine trees are friggin’ top heavy and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster. I cannot wait for the day to arrive when I wake up to shards of broken glass, pine needles, and a gigantic pine tree on its side covering my living room floor. I just hope the cat isn’t under it when it happens.

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8. Best Buy commercials.

I generally hate all Christmas commercials out of principle, but this year’s crop of Best Buy commercials have taken the fruit cake. See for yourself.

So, yes, your daughter may be an annoying 13-year-old shit-stain who already has way more than she deserves, who is willing to heap scorn upon you for not letting her pierce her bellybutton. But fret not, because you can always buy back her love with even more lavish and expensive presents. Ah, the miracle of Christmas.

Finally, Christmas advertising that isn’t afraid to stick it to grandma. That’ll teach her to be old and unpleasant to be around.

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7. Suppressing the urge to kill at the mall.

You know that point you reach at the mall when you’re walking between stores, practically shoulder-to-shoulder with your fellow shoppers, both hands filled with bags, running over and over in your head if you’ve managed to spend a week’s salary on every single person you know, and then all of a sudden you have to suppress the overwhelming urge to just grab the nearest teenager and start choking the life out of him in front of several hundred eyewitnesses? Yeah, I hate that. I hate that so much.

If you ever run into me at the mall, it might be best to run off in a different direction.

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6. Christmas sweaters.

Surely you know you look like a tool, right? Are you being ironic? Trying to be funny? What? What the hell are you doing?

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5. The Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

Let’s just say I’d like to punch everyone in the face who had anything to do with this and leave it at that.

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4. “Hark.”

Hark is not a word. It’s the noise my cat makes when she’s throwing up or had a Christmas tree fall over on her. Stop singing it. Stop saying it. It is a gibberish word and I will no longer tolerate it.

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3. Santa Claus being a dick.

Everything was going just fine until I turned 18 and moved out of the house, at which point every Christmas morning since, I come out to my tipped-over tree and there’s nothing under it. Listen, fat man. I don’t know what it was I did to piss you off, but I’ve already apologized countless times. I’m sick of it. It’s time you and I found a way to forgive each other and for you to start coughing up some goddamn presents. It’s been ten years, jerk. Let it go.

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2. Egg nog taffy.

Finally, an egg nog you can chew! Santa does get my letters.

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1. This picture.

Utter filth.