I’ve officially lost all faith I ever had in humanity. After reading a news report from Orem, Utah, in which a woman had to call the police because she was locked INSIDE her car.

Yes, I said inside her car. Locked inside. Her car. As in the car she had let herself into and was driving.

My faith had been teetering on the brink for months now, what with more and more stories coming to my attention of silly-ass people unable to cope with what seem, at least to me, to be easy problems to fix or even things that shouldn’t even be problems at all. It’s rather fitting that it was some dumb, overprivileged moron driving alone in an SUV that sent me over the edge.

From the article:

Once officers were able to talk to the woman on the phone, they were able to tell her how to manually operate the slide lock mechanism on the inside door panel to open the door and free herself.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, this gal did not know how manual door locks worked. I feel like covering myself in kerosene and getting too close to a scented candle. How can you not know how to operate a manual door lock? How?!

Surely, at some point in her life she had been in some sort of vehicle that had these crude devices! You’d have to assume that it’s possible, at least. If not that, then she had to have seen someone operate one in a movie or on TV or in a magazine ad. How is this possible? How does she get a pair of pants on in the morning or brush her teeth without detailed instructions or, even better, a button on her key-fob that does these tasks for her?

If I was saying all of this out loud, I would be screaming in a high-pitched wheeze by now! I can light a fire without a match and build a shelter to survive a night in the wilderness, but this gal doesn’t have the mental capacity to open her damn car door without the assistance of her automatic door locks?

No wonder we’re in massive debt, have an economy that’s a slowly crumbling paper tiger and are stuck in an endless war that we’ve still never been given any concrete explaination for, aside from “we’re fighting a war on terror.” On the whole, we’re a bunch of maxed-out consumer-zombies who increasingly need new and better widgets to help us get through what used to be easy, everyday tasks

We’re doomed, folks. Doomed.