I’m going to take an unpopular stance right now and declare that sore throats are complete and utter bullshit.

See, here’s the thing. I can handle a sprained arm, because I don’t have to flex my biceps every thirty seconds (although some days, I choose to). I can deal with a broken foot because I don’t necessarily have to walk around on it at all moments of the day. I could probably even get by with a broken neck, because I’m pretty sure I could remain perfectly still for very long amounts of time, since I do that at my job all the time. But this sore throat is driving me out of my mother freaking mind because nature’s design requires that I swallow about once a minute, and every time I attempt to swallow, it makes me want to put my head through something.

So since the pain is unbearable and because I am a humongous sissy, I have decided to do some rearranging and will be doing all of my swallowing henceforth down through my spine. I’m no medical expert, but I feel like if I take this ballpoint pen at my desk and just do a little bit of rearranging, such a thing would be possible. But just in case it isn’t, I’d like to take this opportunity to say goodbye. Been real. Been fun. Ain’t been real fun.

I am literally begging someone to come find me and strangle me. Come on, world. This may be the only chance you ever get.