So who wants to watch a video that’ll have you questioning the validity of civilization? Anyone?

(WARNING: Clicking “Play” on the above video will subject you to 7.5 minutes of viral marketing for which the writer of this blog was paid absolutely nothing for subjecting you to. So everyone’s a victim here really.)

Far be it for me to judge, but I’d say I really don’t quite understand the marketing potential of advertising to the world that Burger King primarily serves morons. It makes me think, “Well, I guess I don’t want to go to Burger King anymore. Look at how many fat, angry idiots they attract.”

Highlights, such as they are:

• The usage of the word “freakout” appears to be somewhat liberal. Having worked in fast food, I know what a freakout looks like, and none of the people on this video comes even remotely close to it. When a 38-year-old man pops you in the head with a plastic food tray like a spoiled toddler, then come talk to me about having witnessed a freakout.
• “If Burger King isn’t selling the Whopper anymore, they might as well change their name to the Burger Queen.” You see, it’s funny because if Burger King isn’t able to do something correctly, then logic would dictate that they should change their name from its current masculine form to something decidedly more feminine instead. Because women are incredibly stupid and rarely ever do anything right. Ha ha! Funny joke, man in mid-40s with a soul patch! With cutting edge humor like that, I bet you must write for Jimmy Kimmel!
• By the way, idiot, you’re wearing a mumu. Who the hell are you to talk?
• The emo boy says he’s “pretty livid” and, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the “impotent anger scale,” he’s at about a 10. But keep in mind, he listens to Atreyu, so he was already starting off at around a 7 when he walked in the door. Chances are pretty good when he found out that he couldn’t have his Whopper, his first reaction was to run into the men’s room to cut himself and have a good cry.
• I like the old guy playing cymbals with the coffee cups while the clerk’s talking to his wife. There’s something just vaguely charming about it.
• I also like how after the first day, when the “we don’t have the Whopper anymore” tactic doesn’t sufficiently drive enough customers to ape-shit hysterics, they move on to “replace Whopper with competitor’s products and then accuse the customers of being liars.” Which legitimately does succeed in making at least three people look like they’re about to choke a teenager to death over a disagreement involving a hamburger.
• Speaking of, I’m pretty sure the second guy is secretly a serial killer. Although he’s not guarding the secret all that well.
• The only thing worse than the “freakouts” is the charming little testimonials spread throughout, with people talking about driving across three states just to buy a Whopper. Last I checked, I live in the least developed state in the union, where most people are surprised to discover that we have running water and electricity. There’s three Burger Kings in Bismarck. Where the hell do these people live? Antarctica?
• “The Whopper is America’s greatest hamburger.” Have you ever actually heard an “actual customer” make this kind of statement without you having paid them five bucks beforehand? It seems highly unlikely to me.
• Best of all, this brilliant piece of viral marketing succeeds in letting Burger King tell both its customers and its employees exactly what they think they are - a bunch of drooling half-wits. “Let’s see what happens when we take the Whoppers away from the lard-asses! Har har! Now let’s see what happens when I wrench the sucker out of this toddler’s mouth! Cry baby! Cry!”

So, just to summarize, I take the subject of fast food commercials far more seriously than any rational human being ever should. Thanks for reading. See you next time.