Prepare for Slow, Floaty Death
By Nate • Jan 29th, 2009 • Category: Obscure, Sod that is bad
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the jellyfish of the world are out to get us. Or, at least, they must be, because they’re spreading all over the oceans and now, somehow, they’ve rendered themselves immortal.
Yes, immortal. Just like vampires and cursed mummies and Dick Clark.
Shit your pants yet? Well, here’s a quote from the Telegraph.co.uk news site:
Marine biologists say the jellyfish numbers are rocketing because they need not die.
Dr Maria Miglietta of the Smithsonian Tropical Marine Institute said: “We are looking at a worldwide silent invasion.”
A “worldwide silent invasion.” In other words, we’re screwed. It’s only a matter of time before these immortal, undead, zombie jellyfish float into our rivers and streams and bring their slow, floaty death to all of us. We’re as good as dead.
The problem apparently arises out of this weird ability a certain type of jellyfish has where their cells go through “transdifferentiation.” This essentially means that, after becoming sexually mature, they revert back to their younger selves. So, not only are they going to cover the earth with their immortal brethren, but they’re going to have Hollywood clamoring to extract whatever it is that allows the jellyfish to revert back to their younger selves. Once the celebrities have the ability to transdifferentiate, we’ll be subjected to a whole new round of “Home Alone” movies and people like Jim Carrey and Martin Lawrence will never go away.
I don’t think that I can stand living in that kind of world. A world filled with slow, floaty, immortal jellyfish death and another Rocky movie or ten. We must declare war on the world’s oceans. We have to eradicate the immortal jellyfish by driving a stake through their jelly-filled hearts (do jellyfish have hearts?) and drive them back to that hellish abyss that they came from, in this case, the Caribbean Sea.
Hurry, there is no time to lose!!!
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Nate is pretty sure Mark Twain said it best, "Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place."
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No, no. Everyone knows you don’t kill immortal jellyfish with stakes through their heart. You have to cut off their heads in a sword battle, which might prove to be difficult, since I don’t know that jellyfish have heads.
Screw it. I welcome the jellyfish armageddon. Come and get me, you stingy bastards.
You’re safe, you’re in North Dakota. It’ll take time for them to invade Devil’s Lake. Start sharpening your sword.
Grab your umbrellas and start swimming; maybe they’ll think you’re one of them. They don’t have eyes after all…