Spoiler: Mr. Magorium dies, but it’s really not that important…except when it happens, it means there’s only 15 minutes of the movie left. That is very important.

Another Spoiler: Dustin Hoffman patters around a creepy, enchanted toystore, revisiting his Rainman days by talking like a stroke victim with a lisp. He leaves this magical store to Molly Mahoney (Natalie Portman), who has a quirky haircut and quirky clothes and is generally pretty whiney throughout until someone gives her a compliment and makes her feel “sparkley.”

This important life lesson of being moody and lethargic until someone else makes you feel better is pretty much lost on the children in the movie theater, who have resorted to frequent potty breaks and belching to entertain themselves.

At one point in the movie, a man from Mahoney’s younger years shows up at the toystore and points out that she’s not living up to everyone’s expectations because now she’s just a clerk in a weird toystore.

Another important life lesson: Don’t work in retail unless you’re a failure.

Truly, the movie has its clever moments and the physical colors are very vibrant, enough to sometimes distract from the dialogue. Look, a red bouncy ball! Wheee! Bouncy balls make me giggle.

The best part of the movie, according to the six-year-old I was with, was when two characters aren’t even in the magical toystore, but in the kid’s room playing dress up. For the three-year-old, it was a scene with a room full of bouncing playground balls, in which a child gets squished by a gigantic dodgeball. I don’t think she really cared much about the movie, as she was one of the children frequently escaping the theater by reason of real and imagined potty emergencies.

All in all, the best thing about this movie: It was only 1 hour and 33 minutes long and it did not contain Seth Rogen.