My name is Kelly, and I am Erik’s less-talented brother. I’m also shorter than he is. Fortunately enough for me, Rik is kind enough to venture forth in life then drag me along with, so I can continue to feed my family. Anyway, as you are about to find out, I am not a tremendously talented human being, but through practice and patience by all parties, we’re going to get through this. Together.

Introductions aside, I was supposed to start blogging here at least a week ago. However, I managed to come down with a case of that killer cold that’s been in the news. Or it could be that staph infection deal. Or scurvy. Throat cancer? Whatever it is, it’s awful. And testing my patience.

When it came time for me to get a flu shot on my company’s dime this year, I turned it down, saying I’d rather have the flu. I did this because, for some reason, I always remember illness as being way cooler than it actually is. This is probably because most of the fun illnesses I’m remembering were the ones I pretended to have so I wouldn’t have to go to school. And I stayed home alone, wrapped in a blanket, watching the Price is Right. Those were good times. Now, when I get sick, I’m actually sick, and I’m goddamned miserable.

I think I may have been OD’ing on the two different types of Quils, Day and Ny. I always sort of assumed that, the bottle comes with that cup on the top, fill the cup and down it. So I’ve been doing that, every 4 hours, for the last 5 days, and my toenails mysteriously fell off. I think I was only supposed to be taking a half-cup, every 6-8 hours.

You ever try to sleep on the world’s worst head cold, tripping on Quil? It’s messed up. You can’t get comfortable. You cough until your ears hurt. The decapitated spectral bride keeps trying to talk to me, through my head haze. And I don’t care about her wedding preparations.

Brilliant man I am, I actually went into work for two days, and my workload tripled, because everybody else is out of town for Thanksgiving. So, in the night between these two days, I couldn’t close my eyes without having all my job duties spinning in front of me.

My throat feels like there’s a hole burned in its side. My brain feels like it’s swollen to twice the side of my skull. On paper, that’d make me really smart. In reality, just hurts. I have an ear that has stopped working altogether. The coughing comes and goes. My nose works like a fountain now. One of my eyes hurts more than the other one. Go ahead and guess which one.

None of this has a point. Other than my whole life hurts.