I am. Enjoy me hitting rock bottom with this annoying e-mail quiz…

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
That’s what you’re starting off with? That’s a terrible question. I’m not answering that.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Real men don’t cry. I cried this morning when I couldn’t fit into my favorite pants…happy?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’s been so long since I’ve actually written anything other than my name out longhand that I don’t even know anymore. I do enjoy the sound of my fingers clicking on the keyboard. Does that count?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Pimento Loaf. No question.

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Not in my wildest dreams.

6. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
My lawyer has advised me to abstain from answering this question on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.

7. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Not only do I have my tonsils, I have your tonsils.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
The Son of Sam

9. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No, I usually tie them when I take them off. I’m special like that.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Polar Bear and Otter swirl

11. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their nipples.

12. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My nipples. Both of them.

13. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m at work. At work, I wear my kimono and nothing else.

14. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I’m not sure, but it was covered in hair.

15. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The soul-crushing silence of an office at 3pm.

16. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The one that tastes like black licorise.

17. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Does “surprise” count as a smell?

18. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Celebrity catfights, or reruns of American Gladiators

19. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I’d rather not talk about it here. Meet me at the corner of Jefferson and 5th at 6:18 PM tonight. I’ll be wearing a bright red chicken suit. Come alone.

20. SCARY OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
That all depends on whether I’m watching a movie or getting a massage.

21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I watched CNN for two hours last night. Who writes this stuff? It’s amazing that they can get suck good quality writin, considering the writer’s strike and all.

22. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Again, I’m wearing a kimono.

23. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Actually, isn’t it still fall?

24. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Gobi. No, Sahara. No…Gobi. Dammit, I can’t choose! They’re both so awesome!

25. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?
I don’t read books, I’m on the internet.

26. What’s ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A mouse. Kinda fit’s Alanis Morisette’s definition of “irony” doesn’t it?

27. FAVORITE SOUND?
Paste being squeezed from a tube.

28. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, but in order for me to show it to you, I need you to sign this consent form. medical information form and next-of-kin waiver.

I’m sorry that it had to come to this, folks. Things will get better, I promise.