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Santa isn’t real.

You should’ve seen Chris and Erik when I told them. They cried like Halle Berry when she won her Oscar…except they looked like crying bloggers and Halle Berry looked like, well, Halle Berry. It’s true, though. I know it for a fact. See, I have this friend that works for the IRS and he let me in on the secret. Lean in real close, now, I don’t want everyone else to hear this.

Banged your head against the computer screen, didn’t you? I bet that happens to you a lot. I didn’t mean that close. Just listen…

You know those payroll taxes that everyone likes to bitch about? We all like to wonder what the hell they exactly go to, right? Well, the truth is, they help fund a massive gift distribution program run through the United States Post Office.
That’s right, instead of jolly old Saint Nick shimmying down your chimney in the middle of the night, a Postal Carrier jimmys your back door, sneaks into your living room, enjoys the cookies and milk you left out for Santa along with a beer or two and maybe some of those chicken tenders from your freezer, places an assortment of gifts under your tree, plays some Xbox and then heads on to the next house.

Don’t believe me? Just think about it. How does “Santa” always know your name and what you want for Christmas? Well,the Post Office has access to the census records for the entire country and they read your mail, so they know your deepest, darkest secrets. Which means that they know what you want for Christmas. See, it makes too much sense not to be true.

I think that the Freemasons, Illuminati and the Crab People are involved in the whole thing somehow, I just haven’t worked that part out yet.

Anyway, have a great Holiday Season everyone!