So, today is Valentine’s Day. I hope you’re all wearing red, because if you’re not and someone calls you on it, they get to pinch you mercilessly. Or am I confusing this with something else?

Wait…that’s the color green on St. Patrick’s Day.

Shit.

Speaking of St. Patrick’s Day, did you know that it never falls on a Thursday? Think about it. If you remember all the way back to grade school, wearing green on a Thursday meant that you were either “gay,” which in that grade school sense meant that you had cooties or that you were in love with someone else who was also wearing green, thus earning you more ridicule and some unwarranted pinching.

So, St. Patrick’s Day never falls on a Thursday, because you’d be teased mercilessly just for being in the spirit of the holiday. Plus, the Irish don’t like being made fun of or being touched by strangers. As we all know, absolutely everyone who is Irish is drunk and belligerent 99% of the time, the other 1% of the time, they’re looking for leprechauns. As a matter of fact, being Irish on St. Patrick’s Day is especially tough, because not only do you have to wear something green, but you’re pummeled with potatoes to commemorate the Potato Famine. Some things are better left forgotten.

So anyway, like I was saying, today is Valentine’s Day, a day created by Hallmark and Whitman’s Candies to boost sales during the usual dead-time between Christmas and Easter.

Valentine’s Day is actually somehow related to a Saint Valentine of Rome, who was martyred sometime in the 4th century. Of course, over the centuries, different countries the world over decided to commemorate this in their own way. In Finland, it’s simply a day for the remembrance of friends, which is nice. In parts of England, the Valentine in question is Jack Valentine, who leaves candy for children. Here in the US, of course, we have found a way to meld these different beliefs into something distinctly American-the purchase of unnecessary jewelry and chocolate in order procure the rights to sexual intercourse with another party. Mixed in there somewhere is a pudgy angel who will kill you dead with an arrow through the heart if you don’t have anyone to give jewelry or candy to. It’s all part of survival of the fittest.

If you don’t have anyone to currently give jewelry or candy to, I’d go chat up that creepy-looking gal in accounting that smells like radishes, she’s probably your last hope. No one wants to be killed by a fat, naked angel with a twinkle in his eye…

Remember also that if you buy your lover a piece of jewelry for Valentine’s Day, you’re expected to spend at least three month’s salary on it.

Or is that a wedding ring? I can never keep all of these things straight