In a few short days, those bewitching March Madness brackets will start making their way into offices the world over. You’ll probably be harassed by one of your more collegiate co-workers into coughing up $5 for one, since arbitrarily picking teams based on familiarity and happenstance is a “team building activity.”

Well, since I have been both a gigantic college basketball fan and a lukewarm passive observer over the course of my life, I thought that I might just be in a good position to give you a few advance pointers to help you win your office pool, or at least not embarrass yourself by losing the entire thing on the first day of the tournament.

1. If you cannot discern the location of the school by their name (Butler, Iona, UCLA) do not pick them over a team whose location is in their school name (Syracuse, Albany, Southeastern Louisiana).

2. If you investigate the team’s roster, and they have an inordinate number of white guys (more than 2) that play significant minutes, pick against them. It’s common knowledge that any white guy that plays basketball only does so because the fencing team was full. Also, they can’t jump.

3. Of the four first round games between a #1 seed and a #16 seed, you MUST pick the #1 seed every time. In the #2 seed-#15 seed games, you MUST pick at least one upset. At least. Refer to rules 1 and 2 to decide which #2 seed to pick against. If neither of these rules apply, close your eyes and guess.

4. Listen to lots and lots of Dick Vitale’s rantings and ravings about the Tournament. Sure, he’s a hopeless homer for teams who’s names start with Duke, but the guy could peel paint off a house with his new, post-vocal cord surgery voice, and that’s entertainment enough. (True story: my wife walked into the room while I was watching the last Duke/UNC game and asked why a guy with a tracheotomy was calling the game) Not only will doing this get you in the mood for the tournament, but it will make you not give a shit if you get all of your picks wrong, because it means that you won’t have to listen to any more of Dickie V.

5. Glom on to the most sports-savvy guy (or gal) in your office for the next couple of days. They’re not going to help you with your picks, but they will, if they’re a sports fan of any consequence, try to mislead you to pad their own chances of winning. Do the opposite of everything they say.

6. Finally, if you’re completely and utterly clueless about college basketball and the above steps seem too difficult or you’re just impatient, do what the NCAA Selection Committee does; Assign each college a different number, corresponding with the amount of undergraduate enrollment. Take that number and multiply it by the amount of graduate students enrolled at that institution. Once you have that number, divide it by the number of faculty and staff, then divide it again by the amount of buildings present on-campus. Take that number and divide it by the number of letters in the city hosting that team’s regional tournament. Now, take the teams whose number ended up being a prime number. Those are your first round winners. If you came up with two teams with prime numbers facing each other in the first round, you did it wrong, go back and start from the beginning.

In the second round, it gets a little more complicated. You take each team’s number from your first round figures and solve for the square root. Once you have that, take those two numbers to the nearest Shakey’s Pizza. Match each number to a corresponding menu item’s number. Check each team’s corresponding menu item the amount of meat-based ingredients it lists. If a team has more meat-based ingredients, then that team is your winner for each second round matchup.

After that, you’re on your own. There’s one formula that delves into Quantum Physics and String Theory that I’ve heard is nearly perfect, but I haven’t the time nor the inclination to go into it here. Digger Phelps and Bobby Knight worked on the proof with John Wooden, but none of them is talking about it.

Enjoy the NCAA Tournament, kids!

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