most esteemed jill,
 
on saturday, i should be spending the earlier part of the day with a couple friends of mine producing crafts.  i’m not sure of the nature of these crafts; could be anything from t-shirts, to earrings, to rhinestone belts.  i am not, traditionally, a crafty person.  my mother was: she did stained glass art, and little curio boxes, and a bunch of other parochially appealing stuff i’m sure you would recognize, being from minnesota.  if memory serves, this behavior began to flourish in her 30’s.  saturday, which will be 48 days after my 30th birthday, i will be producing my first series of crafts.  COINCIDENCE?!?!?! 
 
the above is immaterial to the plans you and i have to sort out, but i thought it might serve as interesting context in a wholistic depiction of what kind of a day we have ahead of us.  as i understand it, you will be making wine until 4pm.  i presume you will head directly home to 1) choose glitziest, most glamorous dress in closet, 2) choose most impossibly high set of high heels, and 3) prepare a list of comments to loudly proclaim in midst of party, all of which are designed to illuminate other guests to the fact that i appear much shorter, and less well-dressed than you.
 
i am complicit with this agenda, if it is truly your agenda.  might i suggest alternatives, however: i think you should dress comfortably, stylishly if it pleases you, and would not recommend heels.  my logic supporting these suggestions is based on my past experiences at cocktail parties in various manifestations (corporate, friendly, anonymous, green room, snuff film post-production gatherings, etc.).  the primary event will commence after 7, and it takes place at the boss’ house.  the likelihood is high that you will stand for extended periods while engaged in truly stimulating small talk, perpetrated upon you by people in holiday sweaters, no doubt.  some of them will be men; all of them handsome and dashing… or one of them.  or none of them.  some of those people, on the other hand, will be women.  some of them will be on their lips within the first hour; others will be demonstrating increasing levels of crass and crude behavior (my personal favorites); and yet others will be outright appalled at what they are witnessing.  you, whom i believe to be an astute observer of your surroundings, should not ever be distracted or inconvenienced by your attire lest you miss something interesting. 
 
prior to the above mentioned event, i would like to stop by someone’s house that is in the relative vicinity.  i believe adrian is planning on this as well; it will serve as a delightful precursor to the rest of the evening.  we will probably be there for no more than 45 minutes to an hour.  chris, the gentleman whose house i’m describing, intends to get a couple frames of bowling in on the nintendo wii, which is, actually, quite stimulating. 
 
my ultimate goal here is to give you adequate information on which to make your decisions.  you might consult meredith as well; she was there last year, and probably could give you some valuable insight.  as for me calling you “sugar” earlier, i wanted to help ease your transition back from the rich, cultural wellspring that is texas to our pacific northwest blandness by injecting a little southern flavor in my text message.  that’s right sugar, i was even affecting a fairly passable texas drawl when i punched in the letters; the very same thing is happening as i continue to type unnecessary characters into my keyboard at present, and i assure you i could have conveyed all i needed to share with you in fewer than 5 sentences, but was exeedingly entertained by the sound of my voice as i read along. 
 
alright, enough of that already.  so, ummmmm…. looking forward to it?  shall i pick you up around, say, 5:30?  i’ll need directions; unless you would like to meet at adrian and mer’s.  let me know your preferences for how you’d like things to work out.  oh, also, the party is catered, but i cannot provide sufficient data where the gluten content of said items is concerned.  i’d be happy to stop by whole foods on the way in order to meet your dietary requirements.  we don’t need you puffing up fatter than the mushroom balls that go over so well at these kinds of shindigs… nonetheless, prepare yourself for inanity. 
 
regards,
 
ethan

this might be good historical evidence to which i can refer when i’m old, lonely, and full of depthless regret.