Ladies and gentlemen, we have a healthcare issue in this country that has received no media attention, and yet so obviously affects a number of our citizens that I would feel negligent not to use this forum and speak up now. I refer, of course, to Pumpkin Balls.

If you don’t understand this medical terminology, perhaps a description will help. This horrible deformity seems to primarily affect the genitals of men who use public transportation, ride on airplanes, and who are high school or college students. The unfortunate sufferers, due to what must be painfully large swelling in their private regions, are forced to sit in public situations with their legs splayed as wide apart as possible.

On buses, subways, airplanes and in the classroom, any lay person will observe the frequent presence of Pumpkin Balls victims by their uncomfortable sitting posture. That health officials have failed to take action should be a national scandal.

Because Pumpkin Balls victims are not alone in their suffering. Oh no. Tragically, they are forced to pass on their suffering to all those that by chance sit next to them. A position that so blatantly draws attention to the groin would only be chosen by the sufferer out of necessity, but all those around him are now confronted with a most unwelcome view. Further, the amount of space required for the splayed legs of the sufferer is nearly twice that of a healthy person, requiring him to invade the space of others, which especially for nearby women often includes a surprising amount of leg-on-leg rubbing. The pain of the swelling is so great that Pumpkin Balls victims are immune to all social cues that invasion of space and leg-rubbing are unwelcome.

Some individuals lacking sympathy have come up with insensitive strategies to deal with Pumpkin Balls victims. They include:

“The Pointy Elbow”: Sitting with elbows akimbo, perhaps reading, and ’unwittingly’ jabbing at sufferers until they move.
“The Wiggly Foot”: One’s feet wiggle seemingly uncontrollably. They just wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, tapping into everything in their range willy-nilly over and over again, including sufferers.
“The Knocking Knees”: Every sway of the vehicle of transportation leads to unusually violent swinging of the knees, causing them to repeatedly and with force knock into the knees of the sufferer.

These are just the most prevalent of the appalling strategies healthy people are using against Pumpkin Balls victims, and all because a lack of information and public awareness. We can no longer claim ignorance. I have spoken up on behalf of Pumpkin Balls, and I call upon all readers of this article to spread awareness until we find a cure for this unsightly deformity.

(Thank you to the feministing.com commentator who introduced me to the phrase “Pumpkin Balls.”)

(c) idyllicmollusk 4/3/08

Similar Posts:

• Pet Peeves About My Daily Commute
• You’re a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You’re the king of sinful Sods.
• Forced Penetration Required by Law in Oklahoma
• For want of a temperate climate.
• Further ruminations on the worthlessness of Jay Leno.