You’re probably like me and thinking to yourself that this election season has been way too focused on the important issues. Why can’t it instead focus on inconsequential bullshit? Well, fortunately for us, the AP is on the job.

Obama Related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie
By DENISE LAVOIE – 9 hours ago

BOSTON (AP) — This could make for one odd family reunion: Barack Obama is a distant cousin of actor Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt’s girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

Hmm. Guess they’re gonna need their own Brangelina nickname. Harrack? Barillary? Oblinton? This is going to take some serious thinking.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society found some remarkable family connections for the three presidential candidates — Democratic rivals Obama and Clinton, and Republican John McCain.

Turns out they’re all cousins. Yup, that’s right. Identical cousins. And you’ll find, they laugh alike. They walk alike. At times, they even talk alike. You can lose your mind, when Presidential candidates are three of a kind.

Clinton, who is of French-Canadian descent on her mother’s side, is also a distant cousin of singers Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette.

As if I needed more reasons for wanting to punch Hillary Clinton in the face.

Obama, the son of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Kenya, can call six U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, his cousins. McCain is a sixth cousin of first lady Laura Bush.

Also, he’s the grandson of the first single-cell organism that crawled out of the primordial ooze.

Genealogist Christopher Child said that while the candidates often focus on pointing out differences between them, their ancestry shows they are more alike than they think.
“It shows that lots of different people can be related, people you wouldn’t necessarily expect,” Child said.

Like, for instance, you and me, Grandpa. Why won’t you return my calls?

Obama has a prolific presidential lineage that features Democrats and Republicans. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.

This is, by far, the worst assemblage of human beings imaginable, and I demand that Obama denounce and reject every last one of them.

His kinships are across the political spectrum,” Child said.

Hey, just like Jesus.

Child has spent the last three years tracing the candidates’ genealogy, along with senior research scholar Gary Boyd Roberts, author of the 1989 book, “Ancestors of American Presidents.”

Three years spent finding out what celebrities Presidential candidates are distantly related to. There’s three years these two guys nor society will never get back.

Clinton’s distant cousins include beatnik author Jack Kerouac and Camilla Parker-Bowles, wife of Prince Charles of England.

Fun Fact: Jack Kerouac was arrested for being an accomplice in the murder of David Kammerer, Hillary Clinton was suspected of having Vince Foster murdered, and Camilla Parker-Bowles may have conspired with the British tabloids to have Diana Foster killed. So what’s the connection? I’m going to be sued by all three of their estates for libel!

McCain’s ancestry was more difficult to trace because records on his relatives were not as complete as records for the families of Obama and Clinton, Child said.

This is because most of McCain’s family history is painted onto a cave wall in the south of France.

Obama and President Bush are 10th cousins, once removed, linked by Samuel Hinkley of Cape Cod, who died in 1662.

And is likely now spinning furiously around in his grave. I’ll let your own personal political preferences determine why this is so.

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769.

Most likely as the result of a fatal case of handsomeness.

Clinton and Jolie are ninth cousins, twice removed, both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

Canada, I swear, someday I will have my revenge upon you.

The New England Historic Genealogical Society, founded in 1845, is the oldest and largest nonprofit genealogical organization in the country.

Yeah, sure, for now they are. But the Historical Genealogical Society of Deleware is nipping at its heels. You just wait.

So what have we learned today? Not much, except that you can write a blog entry about just about anything.