In case the two people who read my blog have noticed my absence (my boyfriend and, of course, Seth Rogen), it’s because I’ve been traveling. Don’t worry, I’ve decided to never do it again. The stress of getting from one mode of transportation to the other nearly made my little head explode at least three times during the trip, mainly because different modes of transportation don’t care if you’re late for the other one. They only care about themselves, selfish bastards.

So, in the spirit of my travels, I’ve made up new slogans for Amtrak, Northwest Airlines and Ford. I’ve also included photos that I feel would translate well in the print campaigns.

FORD

Ford: As useful for traveling as, like, a rock.

Ford: Built to whine and break down whenever you absolutely need it to get you to an airport that’s six hours away.

Ford: Fix it once, shame on us. Fix it twice, shame on you for buying a Ford in the first place.

NORTHWEST

Northwest Airlines: When our pilots aren’t striking, they’re trying to rape the wallets of people who live in less populated states.

Northwest Airlines: We’ll get you where you need to go. Period. We didn’t say anything about getting you off the plane, especially in colder climates where it seems that the tunnel that gets you from the plane to the airport tends to break down, trapping you on the plane for a good half hour. Once it’s heated, we still won’t guarantee that the plane doors will open. But hey, at least we got you there!

And finally….Amtrak. I spent more than 16 hours with this company, so I feel I have the connection to make an impressionable marketing campaign based on the strengths and opportunities I experienced.

Amtrak: We’ll get you there faster than your broken down Ford.

Amtrak: Choose Amtrak for those times when you don’t really have a choice.

Amtrak: The place to meet creeps. Creeps who carry large bags full of broadswords, or creeps who look and talk like John Malkovich playing Alan Conway imitating Stanley Kubrik. (note to marketing executives: Find Malkovich for cameo commercial spots)

Amtrak: We have nice seats for sleeping even if you can’t sleep because every other sod on the plane is snoring or listening to loud country music or is raving drunk while the train sways back and forth against the snowstorm blanketing all of the north just days after an Amtrak passenger train on the same line rammed into a freight train injuring more than 60 people and delaying their travel plans indefinitely.

I left punctuation out of the last one for effect. Think they’ll like it?

And in the spirit of the end of the year (and for fear of my life as a blogger), look for my up and coming 2007’s Top 10 Experiences on Trains.