Is it just me, or does The War On Christmas start earlier and earlier every year?

Personally, I enjoy declaring wars on holidays just as much as the next guy. I’ve been fighting with my birthday for almost a decade now. But Christmas? Why would I want to go fight a war on Christmas? That’s the day everyone gives me presents and I eat food until I get dizzy. I don’t want to fight a war against Christmas. If anything, I want to give it a great big handshake and a congratulatory pat on the back.

Now, a War Against Thanksgiving, that’s something I can get behind. Some might argue that Thanksgiving shares the same “stuffing yourself stupid” rational that Christmas has. But it’s really the only positive thing Thanksgiving has going for it. Everything else falls firmly into the negative category.

1. The first Thanksgiving involved the Pilgrims. And, as everyone knows, the Pilgrims were the most annoying group of gits the world has ever seen. They were so annoying, even 17th Century England didn’t want them hanging around.
2. You have to spend the day with your family. Families have a tendency towards being awful. Especially when they’re gathered in a semi-circle taking turns pointing out all of your many flaws and pelting you with hard candy. Which, by the way, I hate with a passion.
3. The entire day is based around being thankful. Being thankful is for nerds.
4. The day after Thanksgiving is devoted towards giant herds of morons spending the day setting department stores on fire over cheap-ass DVD players being sold for prices somewhat closer to their actual value.
5. Cranberries. They are awful.

So screw the War on Christmas. With God as my witness, I am declaring War on Thanksgiving and will not rest until the day lies dead and broken in my bare hands.

You’re on notice, Thanksgiving. This year, I’ll be giving thanks for erasing your ass straight off the calendar.