The big news out of North Dakota (aka “The State You Probably Didn’t Know Existed”) recently is that we are sitting on top of the largest known oil reserves in the lower 48 states, at up to 4.3 billion barrels. This was, of course, a complete surprise to everyone here in the northern most Dakota, as we have all been taught from a young age that this state has almost nothing of value. Turns out nobody bothered to look under the ground. It’s always in the last place you’d think to look.

This news has triggered an oil rush in the Dakotas the likes of which hasn’t been seen for roughly over 100 years. I, myself, am not immune from this hysteria, and I have been spending my time attempting to claim my own share of the profits, which is why my postings have been infrequent as of late. But I have been keeping a journal of the events of the last two weeks, which I thought I would share with you now, so that when I do become a multi-billionaire, you can claim to know how it happened, even if everything I’m about to tell you is complete and utter BS.

Day 1 - Tonight, I’m in my backyard trying to build an oil derrick. And by build an oil derrick, I mean I’m in my backyard shooting holes into the ground in search of a gusher. 18 boxes of ammunition later, I’ve gotten nowhere fast. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why my plan isn’t working. The thought methodology is fool-proof. What could I possibly be doing wrong?

Day 2 - I think what I’m missing is an ol’ hound dog, a beaten up old cowboy hat and a rabbit to shoot at. I’ll stop at the Cracker Barrel after work tomorrow.

Day 3 - In the news today is that a burn ban is being enforced in the area since our local government put their heads together and realized that with all that oil underground, the slightest spark could blow this entire state sky-high. So tonight, when you’re going to bed, if you happen to notice a giant mushroom cloud off in the distance, that’s just us having been unable to stop Skeeter from lighting his cigarette. No need to worry about anything, though. If you made it this far in life without ever visiting us, you probably were never going to anyway.

Day 6 - During today’s excavation, I accidentally killed one of the men on my crew (I hired a crew by the way. I don’t know if I mentioned that yet. I meant to.) when, during “drilling,” I accidentally blew his head clean off his shoulders. He left behind a small orphan child who, since I feel somewhat responsible for his newly-acquired orphan status, I have decided to adopt as my own. I have named him E.W. He keeps telling me his name is Nathaniel. I can barely get him to stop.

Day 8 - Unfortunate news. E.W. has been deaf ever since this morning’s air horn wake-up call. And to tell you the truth, he’s awfully pissy about it.

Day 10 - Ammunition levels are running low again. The grass is almost completely gone and the flower bed is looking not so good. I probably should have run this idea by the wife sometime ago, but I had a distinct feeling she might say no. It’s a wonder she has yet to notice. One would think the gunshots in the backyard would be a bit of a giveaway, not to mention the deaf child running around the house and the rotting, headless corpse in the garbage can.

Day 11 - It appears I left the screen door open and young E.W. managed to escape. Ungrateful bastard from a basket. I almost regret having the decency to take him into my house and relieve him of the burden of his hearing. I’ll be smarter the next time this happens to me.

Day 12 - Momentary excitement today before the harsh discovery that we had only struck the sewage pipe. To be on the safe side, I bucketed it up anyway and will attempt to sell it to the local gas station this evening. After all, if I was at first fooled, chances are pretty good the gas station attendant will be as well.

Day 14 - I’ve abandoned my child!

Day 15 - I still had some buckets to fill, so I used a straw to siphon my neighbor’s sewage tank. I’m trying to think of an analogy to best explain how the act of drainage works, but nothing is coming to me right now. Perhaps I’ll think of something later. Right now, I am far too nauseous from the siphoning.

Day 16 - My neighbor came to visit me today trying to sell me his land. I beat him to death with a bowling pin. Simple misunderstanding.

Day 21 - Screw the whole thing. My backyard is a disaster area, I’ve lost the only forcibly-adopted son I’ve ever felt affection for and I reek of another man’s sewage. I intend to sue the state of North Dakota for ever having gotten my hopes up and for being an overall crappy state to live in. If this isn’t as foolproof a plan for becoming wealthy with a minimal amount of effort, then I obviously have no idea what one would be.

I’m finished!