A few weeks back, we decided that it was about damn time to get some new furniture in our living room. Sara and I have been living in our house for over three years now and have had the same couch, entertainment center and dining room table that entire time.

For about two of those years, we’ve hated all three of them.

So, we finally decided that enough was enough and bought a new couch/chaise lounge, entertainment center and dining room table/chairs from IKEA. The couch arrived this weekend and was simple enough to put together - screw on legs, pull cover over cushions, place upright, enjoy - but when Sara came back from IKEA last night with the dining room table/chairs and the entertainment center, my troubles began. Lucky for you, I decided to chronicle this never ending experience…enjoy my fall from manhood.

9:15 - Sara’s home from IKEA with the entertainment center. Great.

9:20 - Why is there a dining room table and chairs in the car as well? Honey….?

9:22 - I open the first box to find most of the dining room table parts. This looks easy enough. Just put these legs here and these thingys on the end of the- what the hell, there’s another box?!

9:28 - Finally get other box open to find three times as many parts and a bag of hardware roughly the size of a cow’s head. This might take a bit longer than I thought

9:32 - We have a kitchen table! Now, the chairs…

9:38 - Does this leg go with this other one? what about that one? Wait…there’s only two types of legs. Apparently, aware that handing out instructions in Swedish might confuse American consumers, IKEA has decided on the “pictograms that make no sense” route.

9:52 - After throwing out the “pictograms that make no sense” instructions and bulling forward with the chairs, I have succeeded in putting the bases together…wrong.

10:15 - Took bases apart, put them back together the right way and fastened them to the seats. Things are looking up.

10:18 - Why don’t the backs of the chairs fit right? They should just slide right onto…there. What the hell?!

More after the jump…

10:19 to 10:25 - Assorted violent cursing of chairs and chair backs that is not appropriate for print.

Acting on a hunch that the chairs are in fact the bastard offspring of the chaise lounge and the shelving unit we bought a few months back, I cussed at them for a while, too, just to be safe.

10:26 - Closed blinds on the picture window to stop neighbors from staring at me while I cuss out furniture.

10:33 - There we go, a ch–crap, that’s not a chair, it’s a trebuchet. Time to retrace my steps.

10:45 - Finally fit a chair back to the chair.

10:52 - There’s two chairs done, I’m on a roll…

11:14 - Just under two hours into this, I have finally assembled our table and chairs. To celebrate, I have decided to recline on our new couch and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, contemplating the obvious decline of my manhood.

Two hours to put together a table and chairs from IKEA…what have I become?

11:30 - Determined to finish the entertainment center tonight, I press on. Judging by the picture, this should be relatively easy, a top, a bottom, legs and a few drawers. No problem.

11:40 - Finished taking all of the parts out the boxes…this isn’t looking as easy as I had thought…the bag of hardware is barking at my dog…

12:00 - Going surprisingly well so far. I should note that my father, a man who has experience as a machinist, mechanic and carpenter, tried to instill in me the ability and aptitude to take on all manner of tasks involving physical labor and general handyman-ship throughout my childhood and teenage years.

Now, here I am, 28 years old and befuddled by IKEA…it’s a good thing he’s 1500 miles away right now. I’d hate to see my father cry after seeing his little boy spending this much damn time putting together cookie-cutter furniture.

12:10 - Growing listless after nearly three hours spent putting together furniture, I started flipping around on the TV, then remember that there’s still a writer’s strike going on…and that it’s after midnight…decide to put in a movie to soothe my slowly shattering nerves. Mmmm, Fight Club sounds about right.

12:30 - Yes, I understand the irony of watching Fight Club while putting together IKEA furniture.

12:45 - The main structure that will make up our entertainment center is assembled. Sara has come out to ask how much longer it will be. She wants to see how it looks when I get done. I, unfortunately, don’t have any answers and can only shrug at this point. She asks if I need help and I angrily scowl and bark out a “No, I’m fine.”

Things are starting to unravel. I’m done with this Allen wrench, here is my freaking hammer?

1:00 - Finally, progress is being made. I’ve installed the sliding doors and–shit, they’re on backwards and upside down. Just a second…

1:10 - Okay, the glass sliding doors are on right and Edward Norton’s character is starting to realize that he is Tyler Durden. Revelations all around!

1:30 - Getting sleepy and listless. I found myself staring at my Allen wrench for a minute or two. Suck it up, Nate. You can finish this…

1:31 - No, I can’t. I’m so tired.

1:32 - Yes you can, dammit! *SLAP* Snap out of it!

1:33 - You didn’t have to hit me! That hurt!

1:34 - Finsh. The. Entertainment. Center.

1:35 - Okay, okay, I’ll finish it. Jeez.

1:57 - IT’S DONE!!!! I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!!

Wait, didn’t it just take me nearly four hours to put together two pieces of pre-fab furniture?

1:58 to 2:03 - Sit on couch and sob softly to myself.

I spent the next hour or so putting all of our electronic equipment into the newly finished entertainment center, breaking down all of the cardboard boxes and disposing of them and wondering why the hell I still had three screws, two washers and carborator for a 1983 Chevy Silverado pickup left over.