Scientists are apparently getting closer every day to being able to recreate the DNA of the wooly mammoth. For those of you who didn’t see Jurassic Park, this means that these scientists could make themselves a real, live wolly mammoth.

Neat, huh?

Not so fast, my friend.

Sure, you think mammoth and get the image of a big, hairy elephant. Adorable, friendly, possibly helpful, probably even more artistic than regular elephants.

But what you’re forgetting is that this opens the door to recreating other animals. Did you know that scientists are also working on the neanderthal genome? Do you want a bunch of actual cave men running around? Sure, they’ve been the subject of annoying Geico commercials and a terrible, short-lived sitcom, but do you want to have to sit next to them on the bus? How many times can you be beaten over the head with a club? Ladies, do you really want to run the chance of being drug back to a cave by your hair for some brutal mating ritual? I think not.

Scientific recreation, curtosy of Hanna-Barbara

In the end, we’d probably learn more about our history and the history of mammals on our plant, but where does it end? Life is dangerous enough as it is without having to worry about being mauled by a sager-toothed tiger on your way to get the mail. And if you like to bowl, good luck. If television is to be believed, they’ll be jam-packed with neanderthal bowling leagues. Hundreds of loud, boorish, barely literate assholes clogging the lanes, swilling beer, hitting on waitresses-literally, with the clubs and all. Even the parking lot would be off-limits, what with dozens of wooly mammoths roaming around, guarding all of the foot-powered cars.

What about jobs? Surely these neanderthals would form unions and flood the construction and rock quarrying market with cheap, hard-working labor, stealing jobs away from hard-working Americans. I think this recreation of ancient creatures leads us down a dangerous path. A dangerous, dangerous path.