Despite the fact that I’m firmly in the bag for Bob Barr’s mustache for President this year, I still have to admit a morbid curiosity in the campaign of John McCain. Truth be told, I’ve always had a certain fondness for John McCain, kind of in the same way I do for Abe Vigoda and Wilford Brimley and other people famous for being old and somewhat surly. But despite all this, I hate to have to be the one to spoil everyone’s fun, but I think it’s about time we admit that that though we all may enjoy having a good long laugh at the elderly, it’s probably not that great an idea to make one of them President.

Don’t get me wrong. I like old people as much as the next guy. I like the way they gum their food. It’s cute. But being President is a tough job. Just look what it did to the last guy. But it’s one thing to make a stupid man President, being that there was always that slim chance he might someday get smarter. John McCain ain’t gonna get any younger. Quite the opposite in fact.

I now present Exhibit A:

No, Grandpa. That’s the remote for the stereo. You can’t turn on the TV with that one. You … no. See, that won’t work. You want to use the TV remote to … Grandpa, no. That’s the garage door opener. See, the garage is opening now. Put that down and … No, Grandpa. Stop pressing that. Just … Wait … No, Grandpa. Put down the phone. That’s the phone. See, now you’re dialing out. Put down the phone. Hang up. You can’t turn on the TV with the phone. … Because it’s not a remote, Grandpa. Phone’s are for calling people. You use remotes to change the channel. …. No, Grandpa. It’s not a computer. You don’t need to know how to use the Internet to turn on the TV. TV and the Internet are two different things.  … Grandpa, put down the cat. Put down the cat. You’re making the cat angry now.

Now presenting Exhibit B:

That’s right. John McCain is so much the living embodiment of all old people everywhere that even his campaign bus gets into fender benders. I don’t know exactly how this occurred, but I’m willing to bet good money that the left turn signal was on for at least fifteen minutes prior to the accident happening.

The evidence is incontrovertible. John McCain is an old, old man running for the highest office in the land, which is typically decided by an electoral base roughly the same age that he is. Which is why I’d say he has a decent chance of winning this thing. As such, I just wanted to take this moment to let you all know how much I love you, before “Walnuts” accidentally presses the Red Button while trying to find Wheel of Fortune on the teevee.

John McCain in 2008. It’s been nice knowing you.